Letâs call her Shirley. Shirley was an avid tennis player who loved nothing more than a fun social game with her girlfriends. She was a real person but Iâm changing her name even though sheâs playing tennis in heaven now. Shirley was an older woman whose husband â letâs call him Marv â was even older. One morning Shirley tried to wake Marv to say goodbye before she headed out to play. But poor old Marv was unresponsive.
I can only imagine Shirleyâs internal debate: Heâs not moving. Iâm not sure heâs even breathing. But itâs 9:34AM and Iâm supposed to be on the court at 10. Three of my friends are expecting me. And itâs a good game. If only Marv would breathe. I donât want to miss my game. They might not ask me next time. Marvâs color isnât too hot. But if I call the ambulance Iâll miss my game. And itâs a good game. Plus, Iâm wearing my new ensemble. Hang in there, Marv, Iâll be back soon.
So Shirley headed off to tennis, played a couple of sets and returned home to find good old Marv dead as a doorknob. True story. And if youâre not shocked, you need to keep reading.
It starts off so innocently. You hit a few balls. You buy a couple of cute outfits. You make a few new friends. But before you know it, youâre lying about how many times a week youâre playing. Sneaking the latest Nike apparel out of your trunk and into your closet. Forgetting to pick up the kids after school. Calling out your tennis proâs name in the middle of the night.
Itâs the silent epidemic thatâs sweeping the nation. Millions of women across America have fallen prey.
Take heart. Help is available. But the first step towards a cure is admitting that you, like Shirley, have a problem.  This simple test can help you determine if youâre caught in the web of tennis addiction:
Am I A Tennis Addict SELF-TEST
The following are yes or no questions. Please be sure to answer honestly. See the scoring system below.
Have you engaged in illegal activities in order to obtain tennis equipment or apparel?    Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
Have you ever watched your house burn down as you completed a critical match tiebreaker?    Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
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Have you had medical problems as a result of tennis (torn rotator cuff, torn meniscus, uncontrollable bitchiness while playing league matches)?                                         Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
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Do you sometimes have the shakes in the morning and find that it helps to hit a few balls or just fondle your tennis racquet?
( ) Yes  ( ) No
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Do you want to continue playing after, say, seven or eight hours of doubles each day?    Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
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Did you disown your parents because they forced you to take piano lessons instead of paying for tennis instruction during your formative years?                     Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
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Have you ever bought a new tennis outfit instead of milk and bread for your family? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
Do you ever have to go shopping and max out your credit card after losing a tough league match? Â Â Â Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
Do you ever have to go shopping and max out your credit card after winning a tough league match?    Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
Do you have to pop six or seven Ambien in order to sleep after losing a league tennis match when those bitches cheated on critical points?    Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
Do you find yourself confiding more in your tennis pro than in your spouse/partner and fantasizing about what he looks like naked while youâre taking a clinic, as well as whether those size 14 shoes really reflect what heâs packing inside those Adidas shorts and how his calloused hands would feel running up and down your not-bad-for-51-year-old body?    Â
( ) Yes  ( ) No
Scoring: Each âYesâ answer is worth one point. Each âNoâ answer is worth 0 points. Please total your points now.
If you earned between 0-2 points donât even call yourself a tennis player. Go back to the shuffleboard court.
If you earned between 3-5 points youâre beginning to get the hang of becoming a tennis player. Buy some new outfits and book at least four more hours of instruction per week with your local pro. Join three additional teams.
If you earned between 6-8 points youâre on the cusp of tennis addiction. You need to hire a housekeeper, consider putting your children up for adoption, encourage your spouse/partner to develop a romantic interest on the side and test out two or three additional tennis pros to sharpen your game. Repeat this Self-Test in six months.
If you earned between 9-11 points youâre a full-fledged tennis âho. Youâve completely lost control over your life. Tennis is no longer a sport; itâs a divine calling. Your relationships, career and, indeed, your sanity are all in jeopardy. Welcome to the inner circle of tennis addicts. Youâre a total whack job but youâre in good company.
Disclaimer: The results of this self-test are not intended to constitute a diagnosis of tennis addiction and should be used solely as a guide to understanding your behavior and the potential health issues that result from it. The information provided here cannot substitute for being institutionalized for at least a year and possibly up to a decade.