Are You A Tennis Addict? Take This Self Test

Let’s call her Shirley. Shirley was an avid tennis player who loved nothing more than a fun social game with her girlfriends. She was a real person but I’m changing her name even though she’s playing tennis in heaven now. Shirley was an older woman whose husband – let’s call him Marv – was even older. One morning Shirley tried to wake Marv to say goodbye before she headed out to play. But poor old Marv was unresponsive.

I can only imagine Shirley’s internal debate: He’s not moving. I’m not sure he’s even breathing. But it’s 9:34AM and I’m supposed to be on the court at 10. Three of my friends are expecting me. And it’s a good game. If only Marv would breathe. I don’t want to miss my game. They might not ask me next time. Marv’s color isn’t too hot. But if I call the ambulance I’ll miss my game. And it’s a good game. Plus, I’m wearing my new ensemble. Hang in there, Marv, I’ll be back soon.

So Shirley headed off to tennis, played a couple of sets and returned home to find good old Marv dead as a doorknob. True story. And if you’re not shocked, you need to keep reading.

It starts off so innocently. You hit a few balls. You buy a couple of cute outfits. You make a few new friends. But before you know it, you’re lying about how many times a week you’re playing. Sneaking the latest Nike apparel out of your trunk and into your closet. Forgetting to pick up the kids after school. Calling out your tennis pro’s name in the middle of the night.

It’s the silent epidemic that’s sweeping the nation. Millions of women across America have fallen prey.

Take heart. Help is available. But the first step towards a cure is admitting that you, like Shirley, have a problem.   This simple test can help you determine if you’re caught in the web of tennis addiction:

Am I A Tennis Addict SELF-TEST

The following are yes or no questions. Please be sure to answer honestly. See the scoring system below.

Have you engaged in illegal activities in order to obtain tennis equipment or apparel?     

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Have you ever watched your house burn down as you completed a critical match tiebreaker?     

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Have you had medical problems as a result of tennis (torn rotator cuff, torn meniscus, uncontrollable bitchiness while playing league matches)?                                          

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Do you sometimes have the shakes in the morning and find that it helps to hit a few balls or just fondle your tennis racquet?

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Do you want to continue playing after, say, seven or eight hours of doubles each day?     

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Did you disown your parents because they forced you to take piano lessons instead of paying for tennis instruction during your formative years?                       

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Have you ever bought a new tennis outfit instead of milk and bread for your family?             

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Do you ever have to go shopping and max out your credit card after losing a tough league match?     

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Do you ever have to go shopping and max out your credit card after winning a tough league match?     

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Do you have to pop six or seven Ambien in order to sleep after losing a league tennis match when those bitches cheated on critical points?     

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Do you find yourself confiding more in your tennis pro than in your spouse/partner and fantasizing about what he looks like naked while you’re taking a clinic, as well as whether those size 14 shoes really reflect what he’s packing inside those Adidas shorts and how his calloused hands would feel running up and down your not-bad-for-51-year-old body?     

( ) Yes   ( ) No

Scoring: Each “Yes” answer is worth one point. Each “No” answer is worth 0 points. Please total your points now.

If you earned between 0-2 points don’t even call yourself a tennis player. Go back to the shuffleboard court.

If you earned between 3-5 points you’re beginning to get the hang of becoming a tennis player. Buy some new outfits and book at least four more hours of instruction per week with your local pro. Join three additional teams.

If you earned between 6-8 points you’re on the cusp of tennis addiction. You need to hire a housekeeper, consider putting your children up for adoption, encourage your spouse/partner to develop a romantic interest on the side and test out two or three additional tennis pros to sharpen your game. Repeat this Self-Test in six months.

If you earned between 9-11 points you’re a full-fledged tennis ‘ho. You’ve completely lost control over your life. Tennis is no longer a sport; it’s a divine calling. Your relationships, career and, indeed, your sanity are all in jeopardy. Welcome to the inner circle of tennis addicts. You’re a total whack job but you’re in good company.

Disclaimer: The results of this self-test are not intended to constitute a diagnosis of tennis addiction and should be used solely as a guide to understanding your behavior and the potential health issues that result from it. The information provided here cannot substitute for being institutionalized for at least a year and possibly up to a decade.

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