I recently contracted a cold virus that morphed into a sinus infection that morphed into an asthma flare. With all the coughing I was doing I made the following observation one morning on Facebook:
Okay, my mature women friends and family. You know when you have a cough and you are careful to empty your bladder frequently as a precaution? And there is always something in reserve even if you just went two minutes ago? I’m naming it the ‘cough drop.’
Apparently, I struck a nerve that leads directly to the urinary system as I had over 100 reactions and 20+ comments.
Here are a few comments that made me laugh which made me cough which made me discharge yet another ‘cough drop.’
Teri shared: “I’ve come to the conclusion my bladder and my cough reflex have conversations so I won’t oversleep. One eye open is the signal. “She’s awake…time to trigger bladder alert. Cough reflex? Stand by for further instructions. Hmmm…eye has closed…commence coughing sequence…begin tiny throat tickle…”
Linda confessed: “I need a similar name with the word ‘sneeze’ or ‘blow your nose.’ Asking for a friend…”
Roxanne responded to Linda with: “Post-renal drip?”
A realization washed over me. We need to wage war on incontinence. I issued this Facebook challenge:
I’ve been overwhelmed at the response to my recent post regarding women with upper respiratory infections releasing what I’ve coined the ‘cough drop,’ which occurs regardless of frequent bathroom breaks. I’m thinking of starting a Facebook group called the #pantylinernation. Who’s in?
People wasted no time embracing this watery battle cry.
Kim declared: “Women of a certain age need to squeeze together.”
Me: “I agree whole bladderedly.”
Diana cautioned: “The group will need to be tight!”
Marvin volunteered: “Me!”
Me: “I didn’t mean to exclude men. I’m glad you’ve broken through the porcelain ceiling.”
Lori was so enthusiastic she wrote: “Me me me!! This is hilarious by the way.”
Me: “When I thought of it this morning I had to change my panty liner.”
Lori: “I had to put one on.”
Research: I think we should apply for a grant to fund research to locate the undiscovered organ in the body that stores the ‘cough drop.’ I believe when we pinpoint this elusive reservoir, modern medicine will devise a way to surgically remove it or develop a designer drug that will drain its capacity to humiliate us.
Safe havens: We need to help people break through their denial about the condition. We will establish ‘Incontinence Anonymous’ groups so people can have a safe haven to raise their hand and say: ‘Hello, my name is Molly and I do #1 in my pants.”
We will ask people who have conquered their addiction to panty liners to lead the groups. Some have dealt with this enslavement through surgery, or extreme Kegel workouts, while others have restricted exposure to urine producing agents, e.g. water. Sobriety milestones will be rewarded by issuing ice chips, a refreshing way to hydrate without chugging too much liquid.
I nominate Janice as a group leader. Here is her inspiring testimony: “All too familiar with the cough drop. Had it fixed last summer. Best thing I ever did!”
Improved panties: We need panties that have built in liners constructed from organic, ultra-absorbent material. This will eliminate the pain and suffering of the displaced stick-on panty liner. Ouch!
Note: We also need to work on better briefs for men. Let’s not exclude them like they do women when they research cures for major medical conditions.
I’ve heard laughing is good for your immune system so I’m hoping it will hasten recovery from the infection and cough that led me to all of this dribble.
In the meantime, I’m looking for a cough-free opportunity to make a dash to the store so I can buy another box of panty liners. On second thought, I think I’ll ask Patrick to get them for me. Now that I know men use them too, the cashier won’t even think it’s weird.
Who wants to join #pantylinernation? Let’s cough, sneeze, and laugh with abandon as we unite to Make America Dry Again!