my son chose his dad insteadDear Son,

This is a letter from my heart. You are newly 16 years and making adult decisions. It is what I have raised you to do, taught you those life lessons so that could you make your own place in this world. Now I have to live with the decision that you have decided to go live with your dad. I understand you want to spend more time with him–I think as a young man that is essential to your emotional health. As close as you and I are, there are things I can’t teach you to understand from a male’s perspective, because I am not one. You and I have bonded, now you want that time to bond further with your father, I honor that.

What I am struggling with is my feeling of betrayal. It is my feeling to deal with and assess. This impacts me financially in ways that you can’t imagine. I have worked hard to provide for you and your sister. Your father is now expecting me to pay child support, on some level I understand, he paid for all these years since he left. It will impact me, the money he has always provided, has done that, provided a three-bedroom house for your sister and you and a comfortable living. With that support gone and having to pay him, the future looks very different for me: a possible house sale and moving into a less expensive apartment so I can pay the child support to your father that he clearly doesn’t need. I feel betrayed as you are making this decision without any thought of me. “Different house, smaller house, apartment?” You don’t understand the reality–just shrug your shoulders and say, “okay.” So I feel betrayed and I feel guilty that I feel that way. It’s not your job to protect me; it is the other way around. These are my feelings and I have to deal with them.

I don’t feel this is the right decision for you on so many levels. I know things about your dad that you don’t: he is making this a business transaction and  if I don’t agree to his terms, you can’t live there. The time he is spending with you now is to entice you but the lure of work and his workaholic mentality will pull him back and your time will be limited again. He can’t commit to spending time with you on his one night a week now, his adult league basketball league is more important. When you come from holidays and extended periods with your dad and his new family, you are hyper because you have had to hide your true silly self there. I know you have to sneak snacks because they don’t understand that you are a growing teenager and could eat constantly. Those late morning sleep-ins won’t happen because they don’t believe that you need all that sleep to grow. Your father is a good man, I wouldn’t have married him initially if he wasn’t, but he will disappoint you.

I will honor your choice, I will always be here for you, and I will always love you unconditionally. This is the first of many adult decisions you will make and I have to let you make it even if my heart is saying it is the wrong one. There comes a time in every young adult’s life when they realize their parents are human. I wish I could protect you from that. Good luck my baby, my son, my young man.

Love, Mom

 

My Son Chose His Dad Instead was last modified: April 29th, 2013 by Susanne Dusselier

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Susanne Dusselier
Susanne Dusselier

I am a fifty year old single mom with two teenagers. Wondering how I got here to WTF Fifty, and how to navigate the past, present and future.... Any comments, suggestions, feel free to share, the more we all help each other navigate this journey the better. In reality, it would appear they forgot to give us the manual! http://wtffifty.wordpress.com/

21 Responses

  1. Jennifer Graham Reply

    What a wonderfully poignant essay. My heart breaks for you, but thank you for sharing your story. One of the shocking realities of divorce is how it turns the people we love the most — our children — into oblivious daggers. They have no idea how much even an innocent comment can hurt us, let alone something like this, and, if we’re doing our job as mothers right, they probably never will.

    • Susanne Dusselier Reply

      Thank you Jennifer, I wrote it with tears rolling down my face. And yes, he has no idea how I truly feel. I told him I honored his decision but, yes it has been a very difficult time. Thanks so much for your positive comments.

      • Sam Reply

        Susanne:

        Thank you so much for this article. It’s an amazingly comforting feeling to know that someone else has gone through something similar to my situation.

        The kids don’t get that there is a huge financial ramification with a change of custody and address……and maybe they shouldn’t.

        My youngest is now with her father and step-mother, and is on a trip to Ireland with the step-mother and step-grandmother. I don’t begrudge her the trip, but there’s such an empty feeling inside of me when I think of her having wonderful experiences with her ‘steps’ instead of me. I don’t ever let her know my reactions, but they come all the time even with the most innocent of remarks on my daughter’s part. Thank you for sharing your journey. I truly appreciate it!

  2. Lynne Kivimaki
    Lynne Reply

    Oh Susan, this article just makes my heart ache for both you and your son. I have a friend in a similar situation with her 2 daughters. What I tell her is eventually her daughters will be old enough to know the truth about their Dad and why he did what he did (money).

    They say God never gives us more than we can handle. I just wish he didn’t think we were so tough. You will get through this but I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    • Susanne Dusselier Reply

      Lynne, perfect line, “I just wish he didn’t think we were so tough” . Love it!
      My favorite line is, “This too shall pass”, I am tempted to get it tattooed on my foot to remind me to keep moving forward. Thank you for your empathy.

  3. Vicki Reply

    This essay makes me so sad. As a divorced Mom of 2 sons, I feel like you could be writing about my ex. I was blessed to have been able to have them in my home until they went out on their own. Even now, we live in the same town, and my boys rarely see or talk to their dad. If they want contact with him, they have to be the one to reach out. I hope your boy knows that his Mom’s door is always open for him.

    • Susanne Dusselier Reply

      Thank you Vicki, yes he does. He comments that our time now is “special time.”
      For once I get to be the fun parent I guess…still hard to accept however we do what we do for our children.

  4. stella Reply

    Susan,
    I am dealing with this exact same issue right now. My 15 year old daughter has decided to live with her dad full time and only visits me when he travels, which is about 3-5 days per month. Geographically her father lives in a better location and she has more freedom and very little supervision. What teenager would not want this? I want so badly to tell her the money consequences of her decision, but my husband, the law guardian and court system have told me that it is cruel to burden her with my money concerns.

    My older daughter who is 18 and going to college in the fall understands what is happening financially, but she needs her father to pay for college, her car, insurance and spending money. He just gave her $500 for a prom dress and “allowed” me to take her to shopping for it, but put the money on her debit card, not mine. She has been very angry with him for the past year and a half, but she needs his support both emotionally and financially, so I cannot ask her to take sides. She splits her time equally between her father’s house and mine, and because he has agreed to pay for college, the court has determined that he doesn’t have to pay me any child support for she or her sister.

    I am being forced to sell our family home, which is $80,000 under water, and move to an apartment that is not big enough for both my girls to have their own room. I have nothing to offer her but my love, and I hope this will always be enough.

    I supported my husband’s career and gave up my own to raise our children. When he left 18 months ago, he said “you are not who I married and I’m not having fun anymore.” No kidding….raising children is a lot of work and very stressful.

    It was hard enough to lose my husband, but the fact that he is trying to also minimize my role in my children’s lives for financial gain is despicable.

    • Susanne Dusselier Reply

      Stella, that sounds exactly like my situation. My daughter is in University and this has impacted her as well. She was hoping to do a foreign exchange but now I have no extra monies to help her with that.
      I also stayed at home and raised my children while my husband grew “our” business. That was over 12 years ago and I have done a wonderful job raising our children and they are great children. And yes, I feel like I did all the hard work raising them as a single mom while going back into the workforce after 8 years being a stay at home mom and losing my career. And now, I am struggling trying to keep this house so I have the 3 bedrooms but unless this gets solved shortly…..
      Hang in there. <3

  5. Sandy Trainor Reply

    Wow. You sound very bitter. I truly hope your son never stumbles upon this article, as it comes across as self-serving and petty. Perhaps you should try working together as parents in the best interest of the kids instead of worrying about what house you’ll have to live in, or how it’s going impact you financially. Good luck in your journey

    • Evita Dodel Reply

      I think exactly like you. The house, the money and all material things are not important. If the son decided to live with his father, wish him luck and make the best of it.
      Move to an apartment, downsize and be happy.
      If your son wants to have this experience, let him go gracefully , bless his journey and move on with your life!

  6. Sarah Spadowski Reply

    What a load of self serving, self absorbed drivel! Children are NOT a source of income!

    The fact that you posted this article is a betrayal of your young son’s trust. Two central themes come across in your letter. The first and foremost is loss of income. If your ex husband is as you say he is, I can understand what you two had in common that led to your union.

    The second is that your ex-husband is a disappointment as a parent. How long have you been divorced from him? Do you know him, the man he is now, well? To judge him and to almost hope that he will fail as a parent is in my opinion, truly an ugly trait as a parent.

    My only advice to you is to hide your obvious bitterness from your son. If you’re right about your ex, your son will return to you. If you’re wrong, your son will be in a better place.

  7. Susanne Dusselier Reply

    I am aware that children are not a source of income. This article is not a betrayal of my son’s trust as he is not aware that I have written it, it was cathartic for me.
    Yes, it is difficult financially, my ex makes 3x as much as me and yes it will impact me. I stayed at home to raise our children while my ex grew “our” business. So when he left, I had to go back to work and have never been able to recoup the career loss, so am I disappointed I might lose my home that I provided for my son and his sister. Absolutely, that is a reality….
    I have never said my ex was a disappointment as a parent, I did say that he would disappoint my son. I have seen evidence of that in the 12 years that we have been divorced. I am not hoping he fails as a parent, I hope my son thrives in that environment as he did in mine. I only wish the best for my children.
    My son sees nothing of my bitterness, we have an excellent relationship and the fact I honor his decision to live with his dad speaks volumes to my son. I appreciate your comments, thank you for sharing your opinion as I have shared mine.

    • Evita Dodel Reply

      My believe is that women, married or not, with children or not, need to be independent.
      We have to be mothers and professionals and not relay on anybody.
      To raise our children is wonderful,but when they are not babies anymore and we are still at home preparing food, doing laundry , etc. is to become a kind of atrophy.
      In the modern World of today, there is no place for “housewives” anymore.
      Your brain has be use in different ways and we have to grow as strong women.
      Let go! Have a life! Wish you luck.

  8. Dianna Reply

    I am in the same situation, with the exception that i have great respect and trust in my ex. It is heart wrenching though that my son chose him over me when we divorced.
    My question–did you actually give this as a letter to your son or is it an essay? I certainly hope the latter.
    Best wishes to you.

  9. cathyn518 Reply

    I appreciate the honesty in this article. Of course you feel this way. As a woman who has also stayed home and raised 3 great children, I know how difficult it is to have our raising of children not valued or considered as having economic value when this has allowed our spouses to become successful in their careers. You have to let your son go now, we all have to let our children go at some point. Go forward, you are entitled to feel this has not been fair and you are more than entitled to your feelings.

  10. Jill Ami Meyers Reply

    I too, am in an unfortunate situation… I waited until my boys were grown up before initiating divorce, WRONG decision…. My X used my boys against me, he had them take sides, he allowed them to curse me and also minimized my role as a mother. I worked throughout our marriage, cooked, cleaned, read to my boys every night, helped with all their homework, never had a maid or babysitter…. and ran my business! My boys chose their dad, midst our divorce, he gloated as they backed his rude actions… slowly my boys forgot all about who I was and how I was always there for them as a mom. My eldest son has not spoken to me for 4 years now, although, we used to be so close. My younger son who I send money to monthly hardly talks to me and even then I can hear sarcasm and it is extremely hurtful. I feel as if I cannot explain this to them because they have become hardened and only back their very macho dad. I feel for you and have the same hurt emotions daily, even though my boys are 21 and 25 now!

  11. Jon Reply

    It does come across as self-serving, but I believe you that that was not your intent.

    The fact of the matter is that boys choose their fathers because mothers are generally too controlling. My son will come to live with me because I don’t see him as a boy, but a man in training. He is given freedom, but held accountable for his own screw-ups. Conversely, his mother cleans his room, sits down to do his homework with him, doesn’t let him go to the corner store alone, and essentially wraps him in bubble wrap to protect him from the world. This works when mom is in a relationship because the man generally tempers that behavior, but left alone, boys tend to resent it.

    Your son will be given freedom by his father, which is what he needs at his age. his father will not disappoint him because his expectation is not to have dad hovering over him, but instead to have dad give him space so he can develop into a man.

    As to the support, too bad. It’s for your son, not your 3 bedroom house.

  12. Darrin Miller Reply

    Oh poor you. The children are not so you can maintain a higher standard of living. That is sponging off the money you are getting. Hey we Dad’s need a home as well you know??? Let it go. You’re going to lose child support one day regardless and be “forced” to move into your little apartment. So get use to it. Who are you going to cry to then?

    Such a sweet verse. Hide a “it’s all about me and the money I can suck out of your Dad because I want to live nicer because of you kids and now won’t get too” thought.

    wha wha wha. parents who live a higher standard of living than they can afford then cry when the children to be with the other parent can suck it.

  13. Monica Reply

    My 17 year old son is in a relationship with a 30 year old mother of 2. It was kept hidden & secret. His father who I left many years ago knew about it & often drank & partied with them. My heart is crushed. I cannot accept or support my son’s choice. And I’m devastated by the lies and lack of respect. My son will be 18 in July & I told him he can leave me then. I told him I’m powerless and know I cannot stop him but he must obey my rules until then. But…my heart is shattered.

    • R Reply

      Monica
      I can understand your story, although mine is not the same, I too suffer from lies and secrets created by my ex and my family to which my twins have grown up with.

      To the Author-
      I understand where you are coming from and please disregard the negative replies. Mothers make more sacrifices for our children and those we love that are never acknowledged.

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