Should I stay or should I go? If youâve ever asked yourself that question, youâre not alone. Itâs difficult to know which behaviors to forgive and which are true red flags, the ones that signal itâs time to break up. The simple answer is, red flags are signs of character flaws. If you see any major flaws in someoneâs character, walk away. However, there are behaviors that many women break up over, and in many cases, the relationship could have been saved.
If heâs a man of character and he makes a mistake or misbehaves from time to time, I encourage you to give him a break. And please forgive him if he acts likeâŚa man.
6 Excellent Reasons to Forgive a Good Man
#1. He has trouble expressing his feelings.
If he doesnât ask about something thatâs important to you, that doesnât necessarily mean heâs an insensitive guy. It probably means that he is uncomfortable talking about emotions. Forgive him for that. Youâve been conditioned to express your emotions your whole life. He hasnât.
So, help him out. For example, tell him youâd like to talk about something challenging that happened that day. Ask if itâs a good time to talk. And tell him what you want from him. If you just want him to listen, tell him. If you want problem solving, tell him. Menâs default setting is to fix. It can drive women crazy. So if you donât want him to fix the problem, just ask him to listen and maybe even hold your hand or give you a hug.
#2. You feel he takes you for granted.
If youâve showered him with home-cooked meals, gifts, and your unconditional love before youâve established a relationship, donât be surprised if he starts to take you for granted.
I once dated a guy who brought me an over-the-top gift on our first date. On the second date, he cooked a three-course meal. On the third date, he cooked again, and when he saw how much I liked what he made, he went out and bought some for me to take home to my kids. I was uncomfortable taking, taking, taking before there was a relationship.
So, ladies, if you want to make his favorite Peruvian duck with chocolate mousse for dessert, wait until youâre in a relationship. As a woman, you define your value by receiving and allowing, not by giving and doing. Show a good man that youâre a woman of value, and donât give unconditionally before thereâs a relationship.
#3. He doesnât open up.
Forgive a guy who grunts one-word answers to your questions. If you want him to open up, ask an open-ended question, not a closed question where âyesâ or ânoâ are the only answers. And remember that a lot of men are not long-winded. They donât embellish when they talk. They tend to speak in âheadlinesâ, while women tell stories with lots of side bars. So, when youâre communicating with a man, make sure to speak in language he can follow. Bottom line your story, and save the juicy details for your girlfriends.
#4. He doesnât know how to comfort you.
Most men are great at problem-solving. They like to fix things. So when youâre upset and he doesnât know how to comfort you, heâs at a loss without the tools to fix the problem. He will probably become frustrated and shut down. When I was in my twenties, I went cross-country with my boyfriend. By the third day, I felt like I had made a huge mistake. He was ignoring me most of the time, and that night, as we sat around our campfire, I was crying. He asked if I had a cold. I couldnât believe how insensitive he was. Didnât he know I was upset? I was mortified, embarrassed, but I didnât have the words to express myself back then like I do now.
If youâre upset, please tell him how youâre feeling and what you need. He will love knowing how to make you happier, but he canât read your mind. Men are terrible guessers. So, donât leave a guy for not knowing how to comfort you.
#5. He doesnât listen.
Women complain that men donât listen. Men complain that women donât listen. One of the biggest issues in relationships is that men and women donât listen to each other. Why do women often think that men donât listen? Probably because heâs in the middle of a task when youâre talking to him.
Most men are single-task oriented, while women are better at multi-tasking. Forgive him for being focused on one task when you want him to hear you. Heâs probably not ignoring you. Itâs just the way his brain works. So, check in with him, and make sure heâs done with that task and is open to listening before beginning a conversation. That way, youâll be able to get his full attention.
It can be very challenging when a man withdraws when youâre angry at him. But, letâs turn it around for a moment and take a closer look at how you behave when youâre angry. Do you express yourself easily, or do you hold in your anger, accommodating him even though youâre pissed off, suppressing your needs until youâre ready to implode?
If you often withhold your feelings and then accuse or rage, heâll probably get defensive or shut down. Can you blame him? Heâs bracing for an attack.
Forgive a man for becoming defensive or shut down when you react or attack or blame, and learn better communication skills when your feelings are hurt. Address the issues when they come up, when theyâre still small, before they become so big you canât take it anymore. Of course, if you do consistently express yourself well, and he still gets defensive or shuts down, thatâs a reason to leave him.
When the attraction is strong and hormones are coursing through your body, itâs easy to dismiss red flags. Keep your eyes open, especially at the start of a relationship, and separate out the true character flaws from minor infractions.
Most of all, know your value. The high value woman who can clearly communicate her values and relationship standards through her actions and words attracts the highest value men and has the healthiest, most loving relationship.
This article first appeared in www.goodmenproject.com.