50 Things Women Over 50 Hate About FashionI’ve had more than my share of fashion faux pas. I’m the one who went to the bathroom before my court appearance and came back and pled the case for my client with my suit skirt tucked up into my panty hose. At my own engagement party, my future mother-in-law’s friend wore the same dress as I did.  When someone recently admired my shoes and asked me whose they were, I  answered, “mine, who else’s would they be?” I often can’t seem to get out of my gym clothes to shower until late afternoon, and now that I own loungewear from Mariwear, I am hard pressed to get dressed at all.

I don’t claim to be a fashion expert–I’m just your typical midlife woman who likes to be comfortable and look somewhat put together –when it matters.  I like what I like, and I know what pissses me off. And so, it seems, do other women over 50.  I asked my contemporaries what they hated about  fashion, and boy, did they let loose. Check this out.  Did I miss something?

  1. We hate catalogues that have 26-year-old Skinny Minnies modeling clothes geared for the 50 and over woman.  Have you seen the recent Spanx catalogue?
  2. We hate low-cut jeans. We do not need to show our plumber’s crack when we sit to eat our frozen yogurt and watch Breaking Bad.
  3. We could write a book on underwear–how much we hate it. We hate that we can’t seem to find good, reasonably priced underwear.  We don’t want thongs, we don’t want to be picking at our oversized tuchases. We want to be covering both cheeks, thank you.  We don’t want tight elastics so that our fat hangs over, we don’t want Granny panties, we do want something sexy, and we don’t want to pay $32 for a single pair (a la Hanky Panky).
  4. We hate that there is no gray hair dye that helps you go from anything to natural gray. WTF?  They can put a man on the moon, but not make a gray hair dye?
  5. We hate that unless you are really, really tall, pants always need to be shortened and we have to pay extra for hemming.
  6. We hate handbags that are heavy even when nothing is in them.
  7. We hate that “they” lie about needing to dry clean everything.
  8. We hate heavy earrings that do not come with earlobe supporters and cause our aging earlobes to sag.
  9. We hate our friends when they ask us how much a recent purchase cost, as in, “That’s a pretty blouse, how much did you pay for it?”
  10. We hate when we show up to a party in the same dress as another lady and they don’t laugh it off–but make a federal case of  it.
  11. We hate “fat” mirrors and bad lighting that emphasize even the smallest of thigh dimples.
  12. We hate trying on skinny jeans in small dressing rooms–attempting to get the jeans over the muffin top while simultaneously having a hot flash.
  13. We hate that there is no such thing as size any more.
  14. We hate that there is no such thing as customer service any more.
  15. We hate that we can never please our moms, no matter what we are wearing.
  16. We hate that we are never happy with what our daughters are wearing.
  17. We hate that fashion seems like it is only for tall, skinny women.
  18. We hate that high fashion is often not comfortable or wearable.
  19. We hate that fashion is too focused on youthful body types and not celebrating our beautiful, aging, fit bodies.
  20. We hate bra shopping.  We always have.
  21. We hate sleeveless dresses—don’t they know we care about our “bat wings?”
  22. We hate “See Through” purses (actually, we hate “see through” anything.)
  23. We hate harem pants.
  24. We hate neon anything.
  25. We hate cheap fabrics (especially  with expensive price tags.)
  26. We hate anything that could be worn by a stripper (see #27 below)
  27. We hate thigh-high boots.
  28. We hate that the “new” fad is almost exactly the same as the clothes we had been saving for the past 10 years, hoping they would come back into style— except the “new” look is just different enough to make you look like you’re wearing 10-year-old clothes.
  29. We hate really old ladies in ultra high heels who look like they are about to fall and break a hip.
  30. We hate that fashion is a luxury for the 1%.
  31. We hate that hammer pants will never come back into vogue.  NB:  I hate that I had no idea what hammer pants were until I looked them up on the web (and I agree with #23, now that I’ve looked.)
  32. We hate swimwear designers who don’t get that if they are selling a “D” cup top (hard enough to find) that it does not need padding, but it does require support.  We hate that we have to go up an extra size when buying swim wear.
  33. We hate camisoles with “built in” bras that have no support and don’t fit anyone with a bigger breast than a size B.
  34. We hate that you can’t find a Diane von Furstenberg dress at Bendels in NYC that’s over a size 10. Do they not know that the average woman is a size 12 or 14?
  35. We hate that it is really difficult to find a dress that hides our midlife knees.
  36. We hate that we are always at war with mother nature, trying to cover what is happening to our bodies naturally.
  37. We hate that we can never keep up–we always seem to be about two years behind the latest fashion trend.
  38. We hate when we find clothes in our closets with the tags still intact.
  39. We hate group dressing rooms. We hate them a lot. We hate them with a passion.
  40. We hate “friends” who tell you that you look fantastic when you know very well you have gained 10 pounds, haven’t done your hair, and you have no makeup on.
  41. We hate those stupid little belts and ribbons they include with dresses.
  42. We hate those tight skirts that almost no one over 50 can wear.
  43. We hate shoes with the bondage look.
  44. We hate ballet slipper shoes with stupid little bows on top.
  45. We hate dresses that are tight around the hips and sag at the boobs.
  46. We hate (and love) all the absolutely, really beautiful shoes that give no consideration to comfort.
  47. We hate that “they” seem to be skimping on fabric.
  48. We hate yoga pants that show your camel toe.
  49. We hate lipstick on our teeth.
  50. We hate that no matter how many clothes hang in our closet, we seem to have nothing to wear.  And that has been true for decades.

So, what do you hate about fashion?  Have I missed anything?

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