We cubicle dwellers have our own subculture. We are among the working class who don’t get to go outside and blow stuff up. We don’t save lives or use a paint brush or have an office with a door that you can close.
We can identify each other by the hollow looks in our eyes and the standard defeated shoulder slump.
I am here to help you, my cubicle dwelling brothers and sisters.
Okay, this post is grouped into two sets of 20 tips. The first set of tips are excuses for not going to work. The best tip I can give you as a cubicle dweller: spend as little time as possible in your cube.
Use every allotted sick day. Don’t waste one. “Sick” is so vague. After all, what’s the real definition of “sick”? Don’t pull out your fancy dictionaries or anything. I say it’s up to the individual to define “sick”. Also, if you are one of those people who just can’t seem to find the time to use ALL your vacation days, then I think there might be no hope for you.
I never have a problem using all my vacation days.
20 reasons to completely avoid going into work for the day:
1. Don’t turn down any offered surgeries. We don’t need all of our organs. If an organ acts up, then get rid of it. Sure, it’s painful, but being home on painkillers is better than being in your cubicle with your unnecessary organs.
2. If you’re female and you have a male boss, call in and toss around the words ovaries and fallopian tubes. They’ll beg you to stay home.
3. Opening day for hay fever. No way can you work on opening day for hay fever. This day can be of your choosing. There is no way to determine what day the pollen will get you. Probably shouldn’t try this in the Winter months, though.
4. No clean underwear. You can’t go in without clean underwear. What if you get in a car wreck? You should disguise this reason as ‘migraine’.
5. You can’t be expected to work when your baseboards are so filthy. Also, my baseboards are filthy, so when you’re done with yours….
6. You have to take your cat to the vet. Don’t have a cat? Borrow a neighbors. Or find a feral one in your neighborhood. Bonus if that feral cat scratches you up, because….
7. Can’t come in because a feral cat scratched you up.
8. Join all the religions and observe their holidays. You might want to consider making up your own religion so you can create new holidays.
9. Car makes a funny sound, so you can’t risk driving in. The funny sound can be your favorite comedian playing on your car stereo.
10. It’s Robert Downey Jr’s birthday. You keep that day sacred.
11. Had a self-pedicure disaster and have to see a professional.
12. You need a day to categorize all the ways you feel you’ve failed as a parent.
13. You need a day to recover from the overwhelming guilt you feel after categorizing all the ways you feel you have failed as a parent.
14. Your mother called first thing in the morning. Those phone calls take a while.
15. You realize you’re the only person on the planet who hasn’t watched Breaking Badand you have to start your Breaking Bad marathon on a Monday, because all new habits have to start on a Monday. That’s like a rule.
16. Your neighbors are drunk and fighting outside at 7:00 am. No way you are missing that.
17. You are drunk and fighting outside with your husband at 7:00 am.
18. The ‘no bourbon on Sunday’ rule got broken.
19. You can’t live another day without matching up all the socks. There are three different baskets of them for fuck’s sake.
20. You know the guy in the next cube is going to start the day by saying ‘Top o the morning, to you’ in a fake Irish brogue. You can’t hear that again or you might commit murder.
Actually, I would use boss/employee shorthand and just call most of these “migraine”.
If you ignore the first rule of cubicle club, which is “don’t f____ go to work”, then you’re going to need reasons to avoid doing actual work while you are there.
Here are 20 tips for avoiding actual work while you are at work:
1. Judy in accounting asks for a June revenue spreadsheet. After you do the spreadsheet, she says she really needed May. You can’t deal with this crap. Spend a while indignantly wandering the halls and tell every person in the building about dumb-ass Judy.
2. Twitter. What better way to avoid work than Twitter?
3. Hang out in stall # 4 and play Scramble on your phone. Make vague excuses about bad Mexican food as your reason for being in the bathroom for half the morning.
4. Argue with someone over the “right” way to do a project, even if their idea is sound.
5. Stand in front of the communal fridge. Move things around while muttering about how no one ever cleans their shit out of the fridge.
6. Volunteer for committee meetings, then go get coffee instead of attending the meetings. Claim you were too busy to attend.
7. Ask the boss about his golf game. Sure, you will have to watch his stupid lips flapping, but at least you aren’t working.
8. Go in search of just the right pain reliever after listening the office drama queen overhead page someone for the 100th time in one day.
9. Make multiple trips to the supply room because you never know when you might find a box of tissues in a pink box. You like the pink box. Also, check to see if they restocked the batteries. Batteries are expensive, except for when they are free.
10. Make a vague comment about hearing that they aren’t giving any raises. Again. This is known as “rattling cages”. The natives will be loud and angry for at least an hour after that.
11. Go to HR and ask for a detailed explanation of the health insurance benefits. Ask a lot of pointless questions.
12. Write a diatribe about the abysmal choices in the vending machines.
13. Walk briskly throughout the building carrying a report and talking to yourself. This is a good way to get exercise and get paid for it.
14. Write a blog post.
15. Make a friend at work so that you have someone to instant message with all day. Bonus, your clicking keyboard will sound like you are hard at work.
16. Go online and research buying your own island.
17. Spend an hour cleaning and dusting your messy cubicle. Then do mine. Mine is just embarrassing.
18. Think of ways to maim the douche twizzle in accounting who not only asks for you to work on projects for him, but finds ways to insult you in the process.
19. Practice your “do not talk to me” face in the bathroom mirror.
20. Google the distance between your cubicle and the beach. All the beaches. In the whole world.
Now, give me some new ways to waste time. I’m running out and I have to do this for the rest of my life.