Mai Vu
You’re newly divorced and feel that you are ready to date. The first mistake most women make is to deal with dating the same way you did when you were in your twenties or thirties, before you got married. Now that you have some life and relationship experience, you need to upgrade your dating mindset and behavior to reflect the adult you, if you want to succeed in dating and not repeat the same mistakes you made before.
Now that you are older and wiser, your tastes and ideas have been formed and grown. You need to stop and take stock of this before venturing out into the dating world, so as to now attract a man who is appropriate for the new you.
Here are the 4 things you need to get clear on before you can date successfully again:
Your Mindset
After a divorce, women often feel less secure about themselves. You blame yourself for the past relationship that failed, for the guys not liking you or for not knowing how to date online – all that stuff – for not doing it right. You may question whether you are good enough to compete in the dating world. You may and feel guilt or shame over your marriage ending. You may have a host of other feelings and insecurities that are rumbling around in your head. So for most women when you start dating, this is what lurks underneath. This is so painful.
To move past this, it’s important to reflect on your past, and work through any of these feelings that don’t support you fully. You also need to heal them before stepping out into the dating world again, so as to avoid repeating painful encounters as much as possible. It doesn’t work to carry your baggage from your marriage into dating.
Your behavior
What happens when we’re so strong and independent, it’s actually really hard for us to let love in. After my divorce, with every man that came into my life, it was a test. I wondered, ‘do you have what it takes?’ You are trying to attract a great man with some of the hurt and the same behavior that got you into your past relationship. This is a recipe to get stuck in a loop of frustration and end up doubting yourself over and over again.
You probably need to relearn some behaviors that will help you succeed at dating as well as at life. If you don’t show men how to treat you right, most of them won’t treat you how you want to, and deserve to be treated.
Your vision of your ideal man
Now that you have learned what you don’t want in a man, or you would still be with your ex, it’s time to reassess what you do want. Who is your ideal guy? What characteristics and qualities are must haves? More importantly, I recommend you focus on how your new guy will make you feel, as that is much more important than whether he has blue eyes or meets your height requirement.
How to have a great, lasting relationship
You can attract good men, or a soul mate into your life, but if you don’t know how to work with that relationship, you’re setting yourself up for potential problems and possible failure. Again. It’s all about our capacity to love; if you have capacity to love yourself and everyone around you, you can build lasting relationships with anyone. The truth is no one has taught you about relationships.
You still need to understand your current relationship skills, and make sure that you have the necessary skills to build and sustain a mature, loving relationship in the future. You may need input from trusted friends or professionals to help you see your current relationship skills, as it can be hard for you to see your own behaviors and skills clearly and objectively.
Before you go out there and date, take stock of how you are feeling about yourself and your relationship history. Spend some quality time reflecting and analyzing what you would like to do differently in the future. Be kind to yourself, as you do this. The goal is not to blame yourself and feel worse, but to try and recognize your patterns, and your role in how relationships have gone in the past. With awareness, and a dating upgrade – clear vision of what you now want, you will find dating is more fun and rewarding.