21 Thoughts About Peeing Outside At Midlife

“Vacation” by Leopoldine Core:

We’re peeing on

God’s rosebush

but God pees too

if God doesn’t pee

what good

is he

“If peeing in the ocean attracted sharks, I’d surely be dead by now,” my girlfriend told me in response to a recent scientific study that proved that, contrary to public perception, urine does not attract sharks.

I am not sure that anyone actually thought that urine attracted sharks. Was this an old wives tale you grew up with?  Having spent many a summer day as a girl playing on Nantasket Beach, my mother would make me wait a half hour to go into the water after lunch.  But when I had to pee, she sent me straight to the ocean. “There’s the world’s biggest bathroom right out there,” she’d say pointing to the crashing waves.

Come to I think about it, perhaps she had heard that urine attracts sharks?

Can we talk about peeing outside?  (Joan Rivers, I miss you already…)

As far as I can see, there are two kinds of women in this world:  The kind that squat and drop their trou on the side of a hiking trail without a second thought… and everyone else.

This first type of woman feels totally comfortable in nature—peeing in a field, in a lake, even between two cars in the parking lot of a soccer field.  Screw the bugs, the people who might pass by, the possibility of wiping with a leaf of poison ivy.  The breeze, the pride, the freedom, and of course, the immediate relief- makes it all worthwhile.

And the other kind of women?  Well, they probably didn’t have mothers who called the ocean the world’s biggest bathroom.

I am a big advocate of relieving myself in nature.  I have peed outside in some of the finest locales; I’ve even got a few 10s under my belt.  And yes, believe it or not, many of us rate these experiences.

As a mother, I felt a duty to make sure my children not only knew how to ride a bike and how to swim, but for my girls, I made sure they knew how to squat and pee in the woods without getting their shoes wet.  My son, of course, needed no such instruction or encouragement.

But whether you are comfortable or not with the outside pee, here are a few thoughts…courtesy of a little research and many friends who at midlife are still getting up close and personal with nature:

1. There is a Facebook Page dedicated to Peeing Outside.  And it has over 15,000 likes. And all they talk about is peeing outside!
2. And that is WAY more “likes” than we have on our very funny and inspiring BA50 Facebook Page! That is ridiculous. (Come on ladies, let’s fix that!)
3. Middle-aged women may be invisible…but not so much when they pee outdoors.
4. Use your discretion. You are at an age where you don’t care what people think, but the story of your arrest for indecent exposure in the crime section of your local paper is probably not the publicity you were hoping for.
5. That risk of getting caught, however, is partly what makes peeing outside so attractive…go on…admit it.
6. 2/3 of all people pee in the ocean.
7. That came as a surprise to me; I thought everyone did.
8. Peeing in the ocean (or lakes and ponds) is an environmentally sound choice. The compounds in urine help marine plant life thrive.
9. If you hold on to a branch to help you balance in the perfect squat, it is called an “Orangutang Hang.”
10. Marathon runners wrap themselves in green garbage bags and pee underneath in a solo cup.  Or sometimes they just pee in their shorts as they run.
11. You can judge that one when you have run a marathon.
12. Scuba divers often pee in their wetsuits to keep warm.
13. And you can judge that one when you have been scuba diving off the coast New England in May.  I have to tell you, that water is cold enough to freeze your “you know whats” off…then Voila!  Warmth.
14. If there is a beautiful outdoor area, someone has probably peed there.
15. Friends of mine have peed in the bushes surrounding Le Petit Palais in Paris, in the Gardens of the Alhambra in Granada, Spain, on a glacier in Alaska, to name just a few.
16. Do not pee in a public shower…especially after consuming asparagus.
17. Do not pee outside in Minnesota when it’s 17 below.
18. Peeing outside is critical life skill for anyone with Portapottyphobia (if you don’t have this phobia already, do not watch old episodes of Jackass. I purposefully have not provided the link.)
19. For best results, find a downward slope, enjoy the breeze, and always carry tissues.
20. There are devices available for women that allow you to pee standing up like a man, but apparently they don’t work that well.
21. There is probably an age when you just stop peeing outside.  We don’t know what that is, but ask yourself…does your mother do it? Indulge while you can.

And keep doing those squats at the gym. And as you squat, I hope you think of me.

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