This piece was inspired by one of my favorite humor writers, Vikki Claflin, who last Friday published a piece on BA50 called “18 Items You Shouldn’t Have In Your Closet At Any Age”, and by a fabulous piece by Michelle Combs, published on BA50 in March, 2015, called “What Not To Wear after 50” . I hope you enjoy it!
If so… you are not alone.
Formerly in my closet, under some nice looking boots and a pedicure, is my toe fungus. Turns out, my dad’s prediction from about 40 years ago was spot on: “if you continue making fun of my discolored toes, Ronna, you’re gonna end up with toes just like them some day…”
Of course, that’s not the only thing in my closet (or even the worst,) but it got me wondering….what kinds of secrets do other midlife women keep in their closets?
Curious, I began my research, talking to women friends, acquaintances and relatives in their 50s and older. Here are some of the more common things they revealed. Do any of these sound familiar to you?
- The FB post you won’t see: “Johnny graduated from college today, no honors, no job prospects, no idea what he wants to do in life. #Disappointed.”
- You lie (big time) to get out of doing stuff. Don’t want to go to your friend’s $250 a head event to support her charity? You do not say: “Actually, I would much rather stay home and stab myself in the eyes with an ice pick.”
- Your Hair Rules all. You lie about being too busy to go spinning with a friend. It’s all about the hair, and yesterday’s blow out is not be mussed with.
- You call other women your “friends” even when they do not support you; even when they make you feel lousy when you are with them, even when they are not really friends at all.
- You don’t actually wash your bra very often….like hardly ever.
- You fart. A lot.
- Despite spending an exorbitant amount of money on expensive face creams and cleansers, you usually fall into bed with full makeup on.
- You have kept a pair of size 4 jeans at the bottom of your closet for 30 years, because you might fit into them some day… even though you know for sure that you won’t.
- Someone you love suffers from depression and/or mental illness, and you do not talk about it- ever.
- You get a ridiculous amount of satisfaction from popping your blackheads and pimples.
- You smoke pot.
- You take a little something when you can’t sleep.
- You drink too much.
- You steal a cigarette when no one is home.
- Your friends (or husbands) may disappoint you, but your vibrator doesn’t.
- You are growing beards- on your chin, upper lip, and yes–your boobs too.
- You binge eat.
- You (and by you, I mean “I”) have toe fungus (and now that’s out of the closet, I think I will skip going barefoot at barre class this week.)
- You stalk your grown children on social media.
- You still hide your purchases from your husband.
What’s in your midlife closet? And if you let it out, will the truth set you free?