If you’re dating online and you connect with a potential match, you’ll exchange a few emails. Ideally, you’ll set up a time to talk to learn more about each other and decide if a date is in your future. Pay attention to that first phone call. Listen to what’s said, what’s not said, and how it’s said.
This is an important conversation, because people often reveal much more than think at the start of any relationship. They tell you what they think you want to hear, because they’re trying to impress you. What they may not realize is that they are also revealing red flags.
You haven’t met them yet, so the chemistry hasn’t been established. Your cuddle hormones haven’t kicked in, so your brain is still pretty rational. You can think clearly. If you pay close attention, you could save yourself months or even years of heartbreak. Here’s how…
Red Flags Revealed in a First Phone Call: A Case Study
Susie and Jack met online and had their first phone conversation a few days later. Jack told her many things on that first call that became a blueprint for their relationship. She should have listened to her gut. Here’s what happened.
The First Conversation
Susie thought Jack looked familiar in his online photos, but she wasn’t sure. Was he a man she had met at work? He was. They didn’t know each other well, because they worked in different departments. But when Jack found her on Match, he became romantically interested.
The fact that they knew each other from work was a big concern for Susie. What if it didn’t work out? She’d have to face him at work every day, and that could be awful.
But she pushed away her gut feeling and decided to take a chance on Jack. She’d had a secret crush on him for quite some time.
On that first phone call, they discovered that they had a lot in common.
And Jack also revealed that he wasn’t so good at relationships. He had been married twice and had failed at subsequent relationships. Yes, he told her he sucked at relationships. On the first phone call.
Susie heard him. But she figured it would be different with her. She could be that woman who he fell for. He could make this relationship work. After all, they had so much in common…
Jack expressed that he wasn’t sure it was a good idea for them to date. He was torn. He went back and forth on his decision, and finally texted her that he wanted to take her out.
She Dated Him in Spite of the Warning Signs
Jack’s indecision proved to be disastrous for their relationship. He never stopped being indecisive. He pulled her close, then immediately pushed her away. This went on for months. She was always unsure of how he felt about her, but he’d throw her enough crumbs for her to fool herself again and again.
When the relationship finally ended (he dumped her for another woman), Susie was devastated. She had trouble eating and sleeping. She became depressed. Her self-esteem plummeted.
She’s had years of therapy to heal from the breakup. He continued to haunt her thoughts late at night, disrupting her sleep patterns for many months. And she still had to see him at work, which was the hardest part of all.
Had she listened to that first gut feeling, she would have been spared years of pain.
Why is it so important to listen carefully to that first conversation? Because you’re not yet emotionally involved. You are still thinking with your head, not confusing messages with your heart.
So the next time you have a conversation with a love interest for the first time, whether by phone or in person, pay close attention to your gut feelings.
Your intuition is brilliant. Don’t push it under the rug. Turn it way up, and save yourself the heartache and pain of dating the wrong man.
P.S. Susie just got engaged to a caring, loving, amazing man! All those years of therapy and coaching helped her honor and love herself first, and never again accept crumbs of attention and affection from a jerk.
Do you have a story to share about your gut feelings on a first conversation and how they played out in a relationship (for the good or bad)? Please share in the comments below.
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