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messy chefIf I had my own Food Network show, I’d call it (what else?),“Cooking with Ronna!” Watch out 30 Minute Meals, Mexican Made Easy, BBQ Addiction- you may be on the way out… “The Messy Kitchen” would be my theme, and a half hour of levity (in an SNL spoof kind of way) might do the The Food Network schedule some good. Who wouldn’t want to feel good about their own kitchen skills? No one– I mean no one– is messier in the kitchen than I.

Well, maybe my daughter.

Here are some highlights from “Cooking With Ronna!: The Passover Episode….

Unfortunately, it’s all true.

Lights, Camera, Action…

“Hi Everyone! This afternoon I am making a delicious Passover Brisket Osso Buco, with a zesty and aromatic gremolata!

“I’m getting an early start today so I can get the brisket in the oven and tidy up my kitchen before Mr. Clean comes home (that’s Mike- and like Jeffrey Garten, he is an integral part of my show.)

“For Passover, I’m using potato starch instead of flour to dust the meat before I pop it into skillet to brown it. I’ll just pour a little potato starch from the container directly onto the brisket- and….Oh noooooooo… it came out a little fast! Oh my, I see some potato starch has spilled on the counter…under the Keurig machine …ooh, it got under the Vitamix. Oh dear, it looks like it has also managed to spill into the cracks around the stovetop…

“Well, let’s not waste a moment cleaning…looks like that oil in the skillet is about to burn…got to get that off the heat or who knows what could happen…

“Well look at that….who would have figured? Darn, I’m going to need a bigger skillet for my 6 ½ pound brisket– this one that I’ve filled with oil doesn’t quite fit, does it? Let me just pour the oil from this small skillet to this very large, extra heavy, cast iron pan.  Oh for Pete’s sake, I spilled the oil all over the stovetop….well it’s not like it’s the Exxon Valdez or anything–nothing a roll of paper towels can’t fix…

“Now, let’s get this dirty little skillet out of the way and into the sink. Sugarbush! How did I manage to spill that open container of potato starch onto the floor? Those white footprints will track just where I’ve been all day!

“How on earth did that huge open bottle of canola oil end up in the sink without the top screwed on? …Oh, Fudge it, it seems that I have contaminated the entire bottle of canola oil with soapy dish water.  So that’s the end of the Canola oil for today, folks- good thing I have plenty of olive oil!” (Disposal sounds.)

“Let’s get started on the brisket sauce. I’m going to need a 28 oz can of diced tomatoes, and a ½ cup of tomato sauce. Oh don’t tell me…AGAIN? It seems I spilled my only can of tomato sauce all over the kitchen counter!  Well, no harm done…I can just scrape the sauce with the side of my hand off the counter and right into the measuring cup…there… perfect!”

Before the episode is over, I mistake lemon juice for lemon zest in the gremolata recipe.

I realize I failed to buy leeks for the Asparagus, Zucchini and LEEK kugel.

I wash my favorite glass serving bowl with hot water, and because it came from the refrigerator, the glass bottom falls out in my hands.

I attempt to hide the remnants of my favorite glass serving bowl deep in the recycle bin, so Mr. Clean doesn’t find out… but of course, he does.

I find matzoh crumbs in my underwear while taking a pee break.

There is meringue on the ceiling,

There is a multi colored explosion in the microwave.

Towards the end of the show, I hear the garage door opening. Mr. Clean is home. I get so flustered, I drop four eggs on the floor. So many expletives spew from my mouth that this show is no longer appropriate for children.

As Mr. Clean walks in, he looks around the kitchen, and says with a huge smile….. “Cooking with Ronna!”

The camera spans the full mess of my kitchen, potato starch footprints, tomato sauce explosion, broken eggs and all.

Cut to commercial.  This show is Sponsored by Mr. Clean All Purpose Cleanser and Bounty, the Quicker Picker Upper.

In Cooking With Ronna! Episode 2, Ronna makes a smoothie but fails to put the Vitamix top on tightly.

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