Hello. I’m Sandy Weiner, and I’m a recovering romantic adrenaline junky. Allow me to explain. My pre-marriage dating history was checkered with short smokin’ hot relationships. They usually lasted up to 3 months. I was addicted to the high of early romance. I loved the chemical rush of those first months, the “honeymoon period”. When the high was over and reality reared its ugly head, the flaws of the relationship emerged. And bam, the relationship would be over in a flash.
Another reason my relationships crashed and burned was that I was a “jumper”. I would dive into relationships, straight into the deep end. I was drawn to a guy by the butterflies I felt. I knew nothing about how to vet the men I dated to make sure we were really compatible. And I often missed signs that he was not a good guy. Yes, I was in my twenties, and love seemed like a crapshoot. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
My cross-country trip
In my early twenties, I traveled cross-country with a “boyfriend” I had been dating for only two weeks! What a disaster that turned out to be. Not the trip itself. That was incredible. What a fabulous opportunity to travel and camp out in the National Parks across this gorgeous country. But the trip would have been so much less stressful had I taken the time to get to know this guy before agreeing to travel together for three weeks.
Three days into the trip, while camping out under the Colorado stars, I got this awful feeling that I had made a big mistake. I felt ignored and misunderstood. I realized that what initially attracted me to him – his intelligence and good looks – were not enough to make up for how selfish he was. And I felt stuck and trapped. How was I going to get through the next three weeks? I began to cry (for anyone who knows me, I am not a crier. This had to be a major emotional crisis for me to shed tears). Mr. Insensitive Boyfriend turned to me and asked, “Do you have a cold?” Yep, true story.
Fast forward a few decades and a divorce, I have become a lot more discerning about the men I date. Through the internal work I’ve done, I have become clear on what I need for a relationship to succeed. As a dating coach, I make a lot less dating mistakes than I did in my youth. I am learning from expert dating and relationship coaches and from the scores of books and articles I’ve read.
I’ve learned from each failed relationship and every bad date. And now I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man. He’s a great listener, has a generous loving heart, and we have so much fun together. Most of all we are able to talk everything out, and I am pacing the relationship according to my needs. So, if you’re addicted to the high of early romance and you want to stop the cycle of heartbreak, I’ve got some tips to help you.
5 tips to help you build a relationship that lasts
1) Don’t be so impulsive. When you lead with your heart and physical attraction, you can be blinded to red flags. While it is important to listen to your intuition and attraction is a key cornerstone in a romantic relationship, you need to slow down and listen to your head, too. Take your time getting to know him. Make sure he’s a good guy before you jump in.
2) Know your non-negotiables. It’s important to pre-qualify a potential mate. What I mean by that is that you need to know what you MUST HAVE and MUST NOT HAVE to feel safe, honored, and cherished in a relationship. Only then can you vet a potential partner – often before you even go on a first date. Make your lists and check them twice before getting involved. This will save you from future heartache.
3) Don’t get physical too quickly. Sex can make you a little stupid. When those sex hormones kick in, they can fog your ability to judge a person’s character. So, take your time before jumping in the sack. My rule of thumb is to wait for exclusivity/monogamy for two reasons: one, to prevent STDs and two, to keep your heart protected until more trust is built and you know where you stand in the relationship. (There are times when casual sex is all you want. But from my experience, women who think they want casual sex often become bonded after the first encounter. You don’t have a lot of control over those bonding hormones like Oxytocin).
4) Don’t let butterflies get the best of you. If the attraction is very strong, chances are you will not be yourself around this guy. You’ll probably end up putting him on a pedestal and putting your needs last. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. Remember the last relationship you had with that guy who was super hot? How did that turn out? Are you still with him? Nope, I didn’t think so. So if you meet a hottie pattottie, run away or at least slow it down so you feel strong and don’t lose yourself.
5) Beware if one of you in much more into the relationship than the other. When the attraction is very uneven, the person who is less into the relationship often loses interest once the early romance dies down. It’s usually a bad idea to be in a relationship with someone you’re not that into or you’re way more into. Don’t forge a relationship with a man who is smitten by you simply because you’re lonely or your self-esteem is so low, you think he’s as good as you deserve.
If you are addicted to the rush of early romance, the next time you start a relationship, please take a breath and slow it down. Keep your eyes wide open and balance your head with your heart. Take your time to forge a healthy loving relationship. Patience, as they say, is prudence. Not sure what that really means, but I do believe that instant relationships often crash and burn. And the best relationships just get better with time.
Please share your experience about rushing into a relationship or taking your time. I’d love to know what happened!
Do you yearn for a partnership with a passionate, loving, grown-up man? Stop making these 3 mistakes! Grab a copy of Sandy’s free guide and discover the 3 mistakes you might be making without even realizing it (and how to easily turn them around to find a loving partnership). The guide is yours absolutely FREE by clicking here.
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