I’ve said it myself too many times when I hear about a miscarriage. “It’s nature’s way of preventing a baby coming into the world with a severe disability.” I actually thought it was true. And it may very well be. The sadness that follows is heart wrenching. I knew this, but I didn’t really feel it….until both of my daughters had miscarriages.
My oldest daughter got her degree in early childcare. She has always loved babies and they are drawn to her. In her class with infants, she was known as “the baby whisperer.” Within three days she can figure out what a baby wants and needs. She said, “They’re just like a puzzle. You put the pieces together and then you know what that baby needs. Then you have a happy and content baby.”
Erika and her husband tried to have a baby for four years. They went to a fertility doctor. She got shots. She took hormones which made her feel miserable. But if this is what it took to have a baby, she was doing it. When her periods kept arriving, it was the saddest day. They started all over again. After years of disappointment, they decided to stop and just take a break and enjoy their life together.
In the meantime, her friends were having babies. She bought baby gifts for their showers. She was genuinely happy for them, but her heart was breaking inside. She’d hear of sixteen year old girls getting pregnant, crack babies and ask God why she couldn’t have just one baby to love. If any couple deserved to have a baby it was my daughter and son-in-law.
And then we got the call. She was pregnant!! They were over the moon excited and feeling so blessed. She had a little morning sickness. She never complained about it. The baby was inside her and she would do whatever she could to have this child.
Two months later, we got another call. Her husband told us the bad news. Erika was sobbing and couldn’t even speak. Her heart was broken to pieces, shattered. At that moment, I loved that little creature so much; I missed him or her already. I wanted to hold and rock that baby, sing lullabies and let him or her fall asleep in my arms. They felt the loss a hundred times deeper.
That was the first time I realized, “Its nature’s way….” were not the fitting words. They seemed cruel and heartless now. I cried for two weeks.
When my second daughter got pregnant, it wasn’t a planned pregnancy. She called and said, “Hey Mom, I took a test.”
She’d finished grad school so I couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. “A pregnancy test and it’s positive!” Her voice was shaking. “What am I going to do? This is not a good time for a baby.”
It was selfish of me, but I love babies and I’ve been waiting for grandkids. “Oh my God, Jamie” I screamed into the phone, “A Baby!”
Her boyfriend was going out of the state for work for six weeks, so she came to stay with us. During that time, I noticed she was nesting already. “Jamie, you seem to have settled right into motherhood,” I told her.
She grinned and said, “I know. I’m starving! I think I’m having a boy,” and headed to the kitchen for food.
Jamie had a dream that she and her boyfriend were walking down the road with a little boy. She noticed he had no shoes. She said, “Araan, he had no shoes. We’ll have to carry him.” The wrapped him up in daddy’s shirt and carried him to find shoes for his tiny feet. When they got to the store, no shoes fit him.”
When it came time for her first OB appointment, I went along. We were both excited to hear a heartbeat. The nurse came in and put the jelly on her stomach. We waited anxiously. There was no heartbeat. The baby had stopped growing a week prior. Again, “Nature’s way….” was not an option.
They gave her options of letting the miscarriage happen naturally or having a D&C. She chose to let it happen naturally. She wasn’t ready to let this baby go yet. After two weeks, she had to take the pills to induce labor. Going through labor and knowing that your baby is gone, cannot be compared to any other sorrow. She was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Araan’s flight arrived just after it was over.
She had another dream that night. She could see a pair of baby shoes and one minute they were there. The next minute, they were gone. She knew then that this little soul had gone back to heaven. I bought a little pair of baby boy boots for him. I wrote him a note telling him that I love him very much and I will wait for him to come back. I promised I’d love him forever.
The sadness stays in your heart after these babies leave. I think about those babies I never met, and I love them to pieces. I once heard Doreen Virtue at a seminar say that “Women grieve for their lost babies. They don’t realize that the baby always stays with the mom. Sorry, Dads. Those little souls have the choice to return again.” I loved that thought.
Since that time, Erika has had two little girls. Jamie has a little boy. They are each so unique and special. They are very much loved and we are all so blessed.
For parents going through a miscarriage, just know that there are others who know your pain. Once you go through something traumatic, you become part of a club that no one wants to join. No one understands like the other people in that club. I pray that you’ll take comfort knowing that the baby’s spirit is always nearby you, Mom.
I will never ever say, “Its nature’s way….” again.
I will give that mom a hug, hold her tight and let her cry.