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177256946Researching my weight loss program options for 2013, in yet another enthusiastic but short-lived attempt to lose the same 10 pounds I’ve been working on since 1974, I did a quick review of previous epic fails:

1. Jenny Craig. Tastes great, but portioned for a small gerbil. Jenny’s Fish & Chips dinner entree would be more aptly named “Fish & CHIP.” Kenny tried to take a bite of my breakfast sausage once and I burst into tears. This plan is not for couples who like to share.

2. Nutrisystem. Worst. Food. Ever. I should have clued in on the foil-wrapped entrees. Very space shuttle, with taste to match. Sorry Ms. Osmond, but I couldn’t get hungry enough to eat this food.

3. HCG Drops. Supposed to make your body think it’s pregnant (Who THINKS of this stuff??) Since I gained 65 pounds during my only pregnancy, this gets perilously close to what my son calls “Mom’s dark place.” Then I saw the 500 calories/day plan associated with the drops. 500 CALORIES PER DAY?? What do you do after breakfast? Sigh. Back on the shelf for you.

4. Low Carb. This one works, if you can live without bread. And rice. And wheat, potatoes, pasta, most fruits, ice cream, desserts, fried foods or alcohol. Yep, that’s right. NO RED WINE. Positively uncivilized. And three days into it, I would have cheerfully traded my beloved Paco for a bagel. Buh-bye, Dr. Atkins.

5. Weight Watchers. Undeniably successful, if you like to spend your days searching recipes, grocery shopping, planning, cooking, counting and charting your progress. Not for the uncommitted. Or for those with a job.

This was getting discouraging, until I discovered an online article that reported higher weight loss by people who wrote down everything they ate during the day. WTH. Even I can do that. Happily printed off the form and started my food diary the next morning.

6.  Food Diary.

Breakfast: 2 slices bacon, 2 eggs, large cinnamon roll. Lunch: Nachos, extra guacamole.

Afternoon snack: Peanut M&M’s. (Hard to actually count, since they were in a bowl, but I did skip the nasty blue ones.)

Dinner: Homemade lasagna, garlic bread. (No space provided for wine, so assuming they weren’t asking for that.)

Bedtime snack: Bowl of Lucky Charms with milk (skim…not like I’m not trying).

Two days later… Well, this is stupid. All I got was hand cramps from writing, and I didn’t lose an ounce.

I think I just have a slow metabolism.

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