Do you and your hubby have the same old arguments over and over? Are you starting to think there might be exciting new arguments you could be having instead? We’re here to help, with a list of 46 arguments to have with your husband before you die. They’ve all been tested on actual couples, with results ranging from weeks of icy silence to outstanding “make-up sex.” Not to mention many productive hours of couples therapy. Take them for a spin and see how much conflict your marriage can withstand!
Accidentally making decaf in the morning IS grounds for divorce.
Just because I have no sense of direction doesn’t mean I’m always wrong about how to get there.
Your grandfather’s middle name is a stupid name for a baby.
“Thou shalt not pay for parking” is not a commandment.
Having kids WAS your idea; you didn’t wear a condom.
It’s not amazing. When you mix whites and colors, you get pink underwear.
You don’t need a cell phone that plays 3-D movies and mixes drinks.
A Phillies T shirt is not appropriate garb for a wedding reception, even if you have to miss the game to attend.
If the family car is going to be a rolling lunchbox, could you at least bring chips and pickles?
Whole wheat pasta is NOT gerbil food.
Hot flashes: helping America save energy and so what if it wakes you up?
Loading the dishwasher: yes, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. My way is right.
Fitzgerald was a great writer. Hemingway was a putz.
The television anchor can’t hear you. Stop yelling at him.
The other drivers can’t hear you. Stop cursing at them.
The coach can’t hear you. Stop threatening him.
If your mother rearranges our living room furniture one more time I’m going to shoot her, stuff her and put her on the wall.
No, the Doobie Brothers records are definitely YOURS.
We DON’T need a larger television. A gigantic screen is not going to stop the Eagles from losing.
There’s no such thing as too many cats.
Beer is not a food group.
Dirty socks do NOT enhance a room’s feng shui.
We could buy a Ferari for what we paid having you do the taxes instead of hiring an accountant.
Any trip that includes your folks is not a vacation.
Most scientists agree that running a vacuum cleaner does not deplete testosterone levels.
It’s your turn to get up when the baby cries. I don’t care if you can’t produce any milk for her. Improvise.
Why pay for a gym membership when you can get plenty of exercise mowing the lawn?
Touch the thermostat and die.
I swear the litter box was clean when I left.
The dog doesn’t want me to walk him in the rain. The dog wants you to walk him in the rain.
Any outfit I look fabulous in is a bargain. End of story.
When the smoke alarm battery gives a death bleep in the night it is time for you to get up and fix it.
I correct your grammar because I love you.
I kick you when you start to snore because I adore you.
I won’t let you leave the house wearing that hideous shirt because I’m crazy about you.
It isn’t good for the children to hear us argue. Unless I’m winning.
I don’t care how you feel about free parking. When I’m in labor you are going into the pay lot.
You don’t have to bring your disco outfit down from the attic for old time’s sake — you just have to answer the door and give out the Halloween candy.
“Does this dress make my butt look big?” is a question with only one correct answer.
I don’t take too long in the bathroom. You’re just too lazy to go out back behind the tree.
Sexy underwear is not a present for me. It’s a present for you. You still owe me a present. (And I don’t mean the family jewels.)
Playing the lottery is not a retirement plan.
As far as I’m concerned, leaving the toilet seat up is your way of saying “We’ve been having WAY too much sex lately.”
Musicals are too an art form.
It’s only a game. They’re not losers. They’re millionaires. Stop crying.
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Janet Golden is a history professor who enjoys humor writing. Roz Warren writes for the New York Times and the Funny Times and can be found at www.rosalindwarren.com. You can also find Roz on Facebook at www.facebook.com/writerrozwarren and find her on twitter- @WriterRozWarren