I’ve been dating James for several weeks and we’ve been on multiple dates. I was concerned because I didn’t hear from him for 4 days! Not a text or call – nada! Everything was going great. Why wouldn’t he call for that long? Is it something I did? That’s when I decided to call him, and of course it went to voice mail. I left a message saying “Hi, just seeing what your plans are this week, I’d like to see you. Call me back.” Another 24-hours later, he calls and acts like nothing has happened. I don’t think he even knew he hadn’t spoken to me in 4 days. Do I ditch this guy and move on? Or do I need to change the message I’m sending to him? How do you tell a guy that it’s not okay to go that long without talking without sounding like a crazy woman?
Let me get this straight; you’ve been seeing James for a few weeks when he suddenly disappears for a few days. You’re feeling anxious, blaming yourself for something you may or may not have done to turn him off. Then you call and tell him you want to see him. He responds a day later, and you’re unhappy that he’s so casual about the whole thing.
There are a few things that I see going on here. First, it seems that you’ve jumped to an assumption about why he hasn’t called. If he cared about you, he’d call. You must have done something to drive him away. Stop blaming yourself and start choosing better men. If a guy is interested in you, you will know. He’ll escalate the relationship. James doesn’t seem to be all that invested. By making yourself very available to him, you’re putting all the power in his hands.
The second issue is that you called and asked him out. Like I said, a guy who’s interested will pursue you. He will call and text you and want to date you. He will value you. But you gave up your power by calling him and asking him out.
The message you are broadcasting is that you don’t value yourself enough. When you are the “chooser” in the relationship, you don’t sit around waiting and hoping to be cherished by a guy. When you value and love yourself more, you’ll inspire a man to want to win your heart. You will not be leaving voice mails to check in with a guy about what’s going on. You will not feel insecure and unsure about how he feels.
How you know if a guy is your boyfriend:
- He makes you feel safe.
- He values you and shows you that you’re special to him.
- The relationship escalates on a forward trajectory, from first email/text to phone calls, to dates, to a relationship.
It’s your job to be the CEO of your love life. You are always at choice. Is James a good candidate for the position of “Rebecca’s Boyfriend”? If not, you have the choice to move on to a guy who is.
Your behaviors and relationship standards teach a man how you want to be treated. If you want to be valued more, love yourself enough to set some standards for what you will and won’t tolerate, even at the beginning stages of a relationship. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. Otherwise, you’ll set yourself up for giving away your power and waiting anxiously for another guy’s phone call.
You ask, “How do you tell a guy that it’s not okay to go that long without talking without sounding like a crazy woman?”
You don’t tell him as much as show him that it’s not okay. You’re not a crazy woman for wanting to feel valued by a man. But when you call him after a four-day lapse and he responds as if nothing happened, it’s pretty obvious that you’re on two different pages in this relationship. If he wanted to see you, he would call.
Move on and date other men. Practice saying to yourself, “I am a woman of high value. I deserve to be cherished and loved.” If you keep repeating that self-love mantra daily, you will start to believe it. A confident woman radiates love and warmth. You will become a woman who inspires a man to say, “I want to be Rebecca’s boyfriend.”
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