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1JanieEmaus“I’d like to thank my first husband for allowing me to find him in bed with the lead singer in his band. It helped me write the dark moment in this screenplay.

“And thank you to the doctor who took me off my hormone pills so that I could have all those hot flashes and sleepless nights, giving me time to write while everyone else slept peacefully in their beds.

“And finally, thank you God, for the aging process. For turning my firm, young body into one with wrinkles and spots. You’ve given me the incentive to keep working at my craft with the hopes of earning a living at it in order to purchase all those expensive anti-aging creams.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pretended to stand at the podium in front of the audience giving a speech such as this.

Well, of course, I wouldn’t really say it quite like the above. But I probably would thank everyone I’ve known in my life. Coming a close second if not surpassing Sally Field in her famous 1985 speech, “You like me. Right now, you like me.”

I’d have to wear flat shoes because these days I can’t walk too well in heels anymore. Which means I’ll have to get the right dress to complete my look.

I’ll need a high neckline because sometime last year, my “real” neck disappeared and I haven’t been able to find it.

I’ll have to have a long talk with my hair because like a spirited teenager, it has a mind of its own. And I don’t want it acting too wild on my big night.

And someone other than myself will have to apply my makeup because although I can see quite well up close, I’d hate to scare my fans in the balcony.

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Right now, you might be thinking: Is she serious? She thinks she’s really going to win an Academy Award?

My answer – you never know.

But I do know one thing. If I stop working toward that goal, if I stop dreaming, I’ll never give my well-rehearsed acceptance speech.

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