When my oldest daughter was twenty-one, she had two friends sleep over. They chatted late into the night about dating and marriage. As Orthodox observant Jewish women, their life goals included getting married at a young age. One friend was visiting from Florida and had been on several dates arranged by a matchmaker. This last guy seemed like he could be “the one.” She had traveled up to the New York area to date him again.
Their third date was scheduled for Saturday night, and she was nervous. She didn’t want to jinx it. In this ultra-Orthodox world, the third date is the clincher. If you are seriously dating, you go beyond three dates. If not, this is the final date.
By Sunday morning, she was feeling sick to her stomach. She had thought the two of them were a great match, but on Saturday’s date, he hadn’t asked to see her again. She flew back home and anxiously awaited the matchmaker’s report.
Alas, the answer was “no.” She was devastated. There was nothing she wanted more than to be married. And yet, time and again, the answer was “no.” Why couldn’t she find the guy of her dreams? Was it her? Was there something she was doing to sabotage the dates?
Is it possible that she was saying or doing something that turned men off? It could have been as simple as a negative statement, such as, “I would never live in New York City.” She might not have meant “never,” but if living in New York was a must for him, bye-bye future hubby!
Or maybe she was nervous and didn’t reveal her fun side. Perhaps he found her boring, because he didn’t get to know the real her!
In dating, there are a myriad of reasons why men or women don’t want to see each other again. The challenge is to keep on going, to maintain self- esteem after rejection. Ideally, you want to become a dating optimist.
4 Tips For Becoming a Dating Optimist After Rejection
1. It’s usually not your fault. Most matches are not meant to be. You are both looking for someone special, not just anyone. It takes time and effort to sift through to your best match. Stay in the game. As they say, you have to be in it to win it.
2. Sometimes it is something you said or did. Think about the conversations you had on the date. Do you think you said or did something that turned him off? Perhaps he took your words out of context. You can be more aware for the next date. Remember not to make absolute statements, such as “I never” or “I always.” Be open and curious, not shut down and judgmental.
3. Keep on going. It’s important to not come undone after each bad date. Do something fun. Get together with friends. Be good to yourself. And then get back in the saddle and go on the next date. He’s out there somewhere, but you will never find him if you’re hiding in your room.
4. Be grateful. In order to move on in a healthy way, gratitude is key. Develop a gratitude practice. Notice the wonderful things in your life every day, in every moment. Appreciate the people in your life. If you like, you can make a list at the end of every day, citing the things that made you happy. Or call a good friend and chat about your gratitude list.
Become a dating optimist, and you will be more magnetic to the right man. Who doesn’t want to be around a positive, interesting, grounded, optimistic person?
Oh, and that friend of my daughter? She just had her first child with the love of her life! And she met him shortly after that “failed” third date.
What do you do to stay optimistic after rejection? Please share below.
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