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what kind of sex are you havingIf I had to define what makes for the best sex it wouldn’t necessarily have anything to do with positions or silky ropes. The best sex comes when a couple is communicating openly about what they want in the bedroom. They approach sex with the goal of pleasing and experiencing each other. The focus is less on orgasm and more on pleasure.

Great sex, if we leave out the quickie, is about taking your time. Women take anywhere from 15 to 40 minutes to climax, less when masturbating. So, if your typical sex act lasts about 10 minutes, you’re Wonder Woman or you are walking away partially satisfied.

In an ideal sexual situation each person is intent on getting his/her partner fully aroused and engaged. What would that look like? How would he know when you were fully lubricated and ready to go?

Obviously his arousal is more visible than ours. But suppose he was willing to slow down the pace to spend more time exploring you? Let’s imagine that he touches you and realizes you’re still a little dry. Instead of reaching automatically for the lube he might indulge in more foreplay—more touching, kissing, and playing longer until he knows your body is fully primed. The goal isn’t to thrust his throbbing member into you and “get off.” It’s to bring you along, to stoke your desires until you’re fully aroused and wet. He wants you to feel maximum pleasure.

That is great sex.

And whether he mounts you, good ol’ missionary style, or bends you over his knee for a gentle spanking before kissing you all over—the best sex moves at the pace of both participants.

Sex is not a rush to the finish line. It might have been for young men proud to show off their abilities and unaware of how to please a woman. Or control themselves. But, we’re older and more sophisticated in our sexual needs. We deserve the kind of sexual connection that honors us as sexual beings.

People who love vanilla ice cream swear by it. They savor the tastes and take the time to detect the delicate flavor of vanilla bean. The experience of good ice cream, like good sex, is determined by attitude and feeling. If you approach sex as just another quick scoop of no-name ice cream to be devoured without thinking you’ll get bad sex. It’s the same with cheap chocolate ice cream. You get what you put into the experience. Don’t you want it to be good? Don’t you crave that yummy feeling? The tastes, the sensations, the smells, and the feel-good experience of sex with someone who cares about pleasing you.

After all, isn’t that why you have sex?

Next week: The Sex Expert gets personal

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From Vanilla to Triple Chocolate–What Kind of Sex Are You Having? was last modified: by

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