18 Things You Can Say To Stress Out Your Loved Ones This Holiday Season (bah humbug)

This morning, at 5:00 AM, I happen to notice that 11 people on Words With Friends were waiting for moves from me. Now I know this shouldn’t be a source of tension, but it makes me totally nuts to have lots of games with moves outstanding (which is why I have put a moratorium on new games.)

And actually, 5:00AM is the most perfect time to play Words With Friends, because you can get ahead of the game.  If you make your move at 5AM, you should be all set for at least a couple of hours, and you feel like you’ve accomplished something…I know it’s not big…but it’s something.

So at 5:01 this morning, I played a move against my sister in law. And at 5:02, she made her move back. Damn.  And double damn, she was beating the crap out of me.

“What are you doing up this early?” I messaged her.

“Up with the dogs, ever since the end of daylight savings,” she told me. And then she told me that she had three games with friends all being played at a furious pace that very morning.

“Everyone is up!” she texted. Honestly, it was 5:05  AM.

And it made me feel a bit better to know that others’ don’t sleep like I don’t.

Obviously, the articles that we are seeing this time of year, “15 Things To Do When You’re Feeling Stressed,” “16 Ways to De-Stress During the Holidays” “21 Ways To Bring Joy Into Your Life” –these listicles are not doing their jobs (surprise!)—at least not with the wonderful women I know.

Besides, most of them boil down to being grateful and meditating, or meditating on how grateful you are, and I for one don’t waste 10 minutes meditating or writing things down…I prefer to fold the laundry instead.

And while I really don’t mind being so wound up that I can’t sleep past 5 AM, we all have a few friends (or husbands) that are snoring away at that time, seemingly not a care in the world. It’s amazing to me.

And so, I wonder….Would it be possible to ruin their tranquility as well?  I can’t help it…despite the fact that I am a relatively happy person, these are the things I think about (and then write down) when I should be sleeping…clearly, I like a little schadenfreude.  Doesn’t everyone

18 Things You Could Say (but shouldn’t) To Stress Out Your Loved Ones This Holiday Season (simply because they can sleep better than you can), and none of which I plan to say to my sister in law:

1. “Did you hear that Stephen Hawkings predicted the end of the earth as a certainty in the next 1000 years?”
2. “I feel so good because I’m at my goal weight… are you still eating bread?”
3. “Seriously? You take the time during the day to nap? How do you get anything done?”
4. “Can you give me a lift to the airport tomorrow for my 6:30PM flight.”
5. “Didn’t we start decorating the house a lot earlier last year?”
6. “Maybe it’s not menopause…maybe you’re pregnant.”
7. “How’s that eczema?”
8. “Does your son have a plan move out of your house this year?”
9. “I hear they’re going to make Lorazepem an illegal controlled substance…”
10. “Isn’t that Donald Trump a godsend?”
11. “I assume you got that at Bloomingdales at the 50% off sale….”
12. “They miss stuff on mammograms all the time…”
13. “Try not to be so depressed…”
14. “I submitted your name because I knew you’d be perfect to head that committee!”
15. “How’s that new business idea coming along? You’re not getting any younger!”
16. “You didn’t get a hybrid?”
17. “I’ve heard it’s normal at our age to have sex at least 3 times a week.”
18. “That’s a little too tight for you to wear now…”

And in case you are successful and have made your holidays are as tense as this family’s…remember, there is always Adele!