To all the men out there, this one’s for you…
It is almost Valentine’s Day, the day you are supposed to be romantic, thoughtful, imaginative. Are you ready? Probably not. It doesn’t seem like it should be so hard to get it right with the woman you love, so why will so many of you screw it up?
Because it’s harder than you think, that’s why. We women are not easy.
Most women DO care about Valentine’s Day (from exhaustive research of talking with my friends). We know we shouldn’t. We insist we don’t. But we do. Even though we have been married for over 30 years. Even though we are well adjusted, 50-something, otherwise emotionally stable women. Even though we know you are madly in love with us. Even though we don’t get you anything. Valentine’s Day matters to us.
So, men, Beware. It’s a minefield out there. Here are 14 ways you can blow it:
1. By buying her something that can remotely be interpreted to mean she needs to exercise more or eat less. You know your significant other loves to cycle, that cycling classes are great fun. You buy her 5 outrageously expensive cycling classes. Are you shocked when she cries, “Do you really think I need to get more exercise? Do I look fat?” Don’t do it.
2. By asking her what she wants for Valentine’s Day. You are supposed to just know. And if you ask, she HAS to say that she really doesn’t want anything because it is a silly Hallmark Holiday, and she is so much more secure in your love for her than that. Which is, of course, bullshit.
3. By NOT asking her what she wants for Valentine’s Day. By asking what she wants, you show you are aware it is Valentine’s Day, that you care, and she doesn’t have to worry that you are clueless. Sorry, you simply can’t win on this one.
4. By listening to her. She has told you 300 times that she really doesn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day…except for your love and respect. Don’t buy into this. It is NEVER true.
5. By not buying chocolate just because she is on a diet. Don’t be ridiculous! Dark chocolate is on most women’s diets, especially after 50. It is full of delicious anti-oxidants! Besides, she doesn’t care about eating the chocolate. She just wants to own it. Look at it. Smell it. Just don’t buy the kind with the jelly in it. No one likes those.
6. By greeting her after work and saying, “Oh Shit, was today Valentine’s Day?” Really? It’s February 14. Every. Single. Year.
7. By not believing in “Hallmark Holidays.” This will get you dumped, and rightly so.
8. By buying any type of personal hygiene product or anything from Spanx. See #1. Other products containing lycra should be fine.
9. By buying her something in a size too small. It will make her feel fat. A sure way to guarantee no sex on V-day.
10. By buying her something in a size too big. You will be lucky if you leave with your balls intact.
11. By using the excuse: “But you didn’t get ME anything!” (like that matters?)
12. By suggesting you go out for dinner with friends. No explanation needed.
13. By suggesting on Valentine’s Day morning that you open your cards/gifts later in the day. We are not stupid. We know that is a stall so you can run out to CVS at lunch. Even worse? Forgetting to take the tags off the CVS purchased item.
14. By buying her sexy lingerie…that’s a gift for You, stupid!