13 Ways To Keep Your Relationship Shallow (A V-Day Spoof)

1. Start with a shallow foundation:  We built our relationship on a slab instead of a full basement; there’s not even room for a crawl space.
2. Focus on the physical:  We met at the gym working on our body image, and we’ve never looked back.
3. Shared value system:  We love food and nothing reinforces our bond like asking the question, “What’s for dinner?”
4. Goal Setting:  For long-range goal setting we sit down with a calendar and plan menus for a month. We like to fine-tune it with wine pairings.
5. Mutual interests:  We both enjoy television and can spend hours laughing at our favorite comedies, or engrossed in the deep meaning of House of Cards.
6. Agreement about finances:  We agreed early on that status is important and buying name brands is never a debate. This has gone a long way to create consensus with the checkbook.
7. Shallanyzing:  Rather than deep analysis of each other and our problems, we tiptoe into warm shallow waters. No deep dives that could be cold and shark infested.
8. Low expectations:  Any day can be Valentine’s Day when you don’t expect anything at all.
9. Vacations without meaning:  When we have time and money on our hands we fly on down to Disney World, the happiest place on earth.
10. Poor memory for details:  How can you hold a grudge when you can’t remember what made you mad in the first place?
11. Low threshold for excitement:  Bottle return day has us trembling with delight about how to spend our reclaimed $8.35.
12. Comfort with silence:  Instead of ‘reading into’ quiet time, we view it as a reprieve from meaningless conversation.
13. Denial:  There is nothing wrong with denial as long as you are mutually oblivious.

How do you keep your relationship shallow?