How are you doing with your Christmas shopping? Tired of buying ties, electronics and cheap plastic stuff for people who have everything?

One evening while watching a Christmas commercial followed by a drug commercial, ten of my remaining brain cells leaped like lords.

What if we bought Christmas presents for what ails us? This would create a whole new world of profit for Big Pharma, and broaden the capacity of Christmas gift giving.

Here are some ideas to target the wheezin’ for the season:

  1. Jingle Balls: Dad doesn’t need another can of mixed nuts, when he is focused on his nuts’ needs. This bathtub shaped basket comes with a year’s supply of Cialis® and a mixed CD of hard rock, doo wop and funk that lasts exactly four hours. If he is still going strong when the music stops, it’s time to give the doctor a jingle.
  2. Nutcracker: Now that Dad is back in rhythm, Mom needs a measure of libido. A stockpile of the new female sex enhancement drug Flibanserin®, should bring her desire to a crescendo. Since her performance will last about 15 minutes, a copy of War and Peace is part of the package. This will help her fall asleep, despite Little Drummer Boy percussing beside her for the next 3 hours and 45 minutes.
  3. Holly Jolly Jublia®: This stocking stuffer is perfect for the person on your Christmas list who has thick, blackened hoofs impersonating toenails. Hopefully by next summer’s sandal season, the tiny football helmets can come off to reveal feet that don’t induce vomiting.
  4. Joint to the World: A lot of people will buy this expecting bongs and designer weed from Colorado, but this is for arthritis sufferers. Will Enbrel® improve your golf game? This is a question only Phil Mickelson can answer.
  5. Yule Log (number 2 bestseller): Worshiping at the throne takes on new meaning when you suffer from constipation. Eliminate this heartbreak when you give the gift that induces elimination. Softeners, fiber supplements, laxatives, and enemas are all packed in a decorative can. Toilet paper not included.
  6. Hark the Herald Anals Sting: Need to soothe a burning ring of fire? No need to be bummed out. This is a glorious package of hemorrhoidal creams, ointments and medicated cooling pads. Bonus: inflatable donut.
  7. Tinkle, Tinkle Little Star (number 1 bestseller):  For adults suffering from urgency, leaking and embarrassing accidents, help is in the sleigh. And if pills don’t calm an overactive bladder, toss in some adult diapers, pads and panty liners for insurance.
  8. Ho Ho Ho: STDs don’t take holidays. Stick a bow on some antibiotics, antivirals, and condoms and let the merriment begin! And don’t assume there is an age limit, as senior citizen communities are oozing with cases of drug resistant gonorrhea.
  9. Do You See What I See?: There won’t be a dry eye in the house when your loved one opens this. Artificial tears, gels and ointments transform red, irritated eyes in the twinkling of an eye drop.
  10. Up the Chimney He Flu: Start popping Tamaflu® at the first sign of fever, chills and cough. You’ll forget about upper respiratory symptoms when side effects of nausea color you evergreen. For convenience this gift comes in a festive barf bag.
  11. Chest Pain Roasting on an Open Fire: Is it a heart attack or heartburn? What a delight to tear into this assortment of nitroglycerin, Tums®, Pepcid®, and Nexium®. If this doesn’t quench the flames, dial 911.
  12. Fruitcake: A loaf of Valium® to sedate victims of delirium, a common side effect of many prescriptions medications.

I realize this list is incomplete, and there are dozens of ailments begging for relief with innovative drugs. Put together your wish list, and you can have visions of sugar-coated pills dancing in your head this Christmas.

But please don’t leave cookies and milk out for Santa. He’s got diabetes.

Does this change how you will shop this year? Can you suggest more gifts remedies for those who need a Christmas miracle?

12 Christmas Gifts For Everything That Ails You (Almost) was last modified: by

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