I know this. I have the gray roots and the beginnings of some crow’s feet to back this up. The fact that I’m grown doesn’t always mean much when my inner child takes over.
I wrote a blog post about being the adult child of a narcissist (ACON) last week and it seemed to touch a nerve. Apparently, there are a lot of us out there and I decided that maybe this topic wasn’t over with yet.
I am not an expert in how to DEAL with being the child of a narcissist. I am, however, an expert at BEING an adult child of a narcissist.
Even typing that is difficult for me. We don’t get to be experts at anything. We’re mostly wrong even when we are right. I remember arguing with my father over something and backing him into a corner where there was NO WAY he couldn’t agree that I was right. I have NO idea what the argument was about, but I remember what he said. He curled his lip in contempt (he was a the king of contempt) and said: “You’re right, Michelle. You are DEAD right”.
It was not necessary for him to say more. The underlying message was, I should be ashamed of myself for proving him wrong and that it was obvious that I was broken. Also I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would pay for it later. I was definitely in trouble.
I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years WAITING to get into trouble. I never knew WHAT I was going to do wrong, but I was definitely going to do SOMETHING wrong. I don’t know this for sure, but I think this might be the cause of me always feeling like I’m on the verge of ‘getting into trouble’ .
Like I said, I am a grown ass woman. Who am I going to get in trouble WITH? I mean really? My boss? Sure, he can be displeased with me and probably WOULD be if he know I was writing this blog post at work, but what is he going to do? Get the paddle out? Make me stand in the corner? He could fire me, but that’s the extent of his power over me. It might not be EASY to replace my job, but I would.
Am I going to get in trouble with my peers because I disagree with them? Are they going to beat me up? No. Of course not. And if they did, well, they’d have a very pissed off husband and two sons to deal with and I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t end well for them.
But still, I’m terrified of disagreeing with anyone or displeasing anyone and it MAKES. ME. CRAZY. I need to find a way to help that little girl inside me understand that she doesn’t have to be afraid more.