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cheaterThere are articles ad nauseum about why men cheat, ranging from biology to boredom, but none that I could find about the excuses they give to their partners when they get caught.

In a very unscientific sample of betrayed women, I collected some of the most common justifications. There seems to be a notable lack of both imagination and variation. Maybe these cheating men all got the same memo?

Herewith, the top ten excuses of cheating men who get caught (in descending order):

10. My father was not around very much, and never… (choose one or more):

-took me fishing

-watched me play little league

-took me to a football game

9. My mother… (choose one or more)

-ignored me

-loved my sister/brother more

8. This just shows I’m human.

7. One person can’t be expected to meet all my needs.

6. I was afraid I was going to lose you when you… (choose one or more) 

– had surgery

-were diagnosed with breast cancer

-had a hysterectomy

-got sick

5. I was drunk.

4. It’s hard for me to get older.

3. This other woman just wouldn’t give up (or, in the immortal lyrics of Hamilton on Broadway: “I can’t say no to this.”)

2. I have no idea why I did it.

And the universal number one excuse:

1. You were never supposed to find out

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