There are plenty of magazines featuring stories like: “What He Isn’t Telling You ” and How to Tell if Your Man Is Cheating.“ But these days, what you really need to know are:
The fifteen signs that your husband is thinking of voting Republican:
l) “The Art of the Deal” is the first item on his Amazon wish list.
2) He’s changed his password to “BigHands”
3) The bumper sticker on his car says WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR HONOR STUDENT? I LOVE THE UNEDUCATED.
4) He wants to build a HUGE wall in the back yard and make the neighbors pay for it.
5) Your dog is about to give birth. He wants to name the new puppies Mutt Romney, Carl Rover, Sarah Pawlin and William F. Barkley.
6) There’s a bottle of orange hair dye hidden in his sock drawer.
7) When you cut yourself in the kitchen, he announces that “blood is coming out of your whatever.”
8) Instead of quoting Shakespeare or the Bible, he quotes Donald Trump’s Twitter feed.
9) He’s started singing “Don‘t Stop Thinking About Benghazi“ in the shower.
10) During sex he wants you to talk about his big hands.
11) Melania Trump and Sarah Palin are on the MILF list hidden in his wallet.
12) Instead of saying “No, thanks” when you offer him more coffee or another serving of pie, he yells “You’re fired!”
13) For your last birthday, he gave you a Hillary Clinton dartboard.
14) When your daughter brings her friends home from elementary school, he demands to see documentation that they’re in this country legally.
15) In the throes of passion, instead of calling out your name, he shouts “Make America Great Again!”
(Roz Warren is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES, A COLLECTION OF WOMEN’S HUMOR. Janet Golden likes writing humor when she isn’t writing history.
This piece first appeared on www.humoroutcasts.com.
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