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Flat ButtOkay, so I never had the patootie of a porn star or the baby-got-back keister of a Kim Kardashian. But at midlife, it’s like the air has gone out of my once reasonably well-rounded backside.

Having a flat chest was the bane of my teen years. Now my ass is flat.

I first noticed it when I was trying on jeans in a dressing room with a three-way mirror: my glutes were gone! Looking at myself in profile, my belly curved outward more than my rear end. If I sucked in my stomach, stood up really straight and tightened my butt muscles, it reversed the trend. But c’mon—how long could I walk around like that?

The experts explain that a drooping derriere results from a combination of genetics (which determines where fat is stored on your body), hormones (women store more fat in our hips and butts compared to men—something that tends to change after menopause when our bellies get the lion’s share), poor posture and a sedentary lifestyle. Oh, and there’s the inexorable downward pull of good ol’ gravity.

The solution?

Well, as with most things age-related, it pretty much comes down to exercise, cosmetic surgery or illusion.

Exercises like squats and lunges work the glutes and help give your buttocks more definition. It takes consistent effort (Buns of Steel, anyone?), but it can help prevent your rear end from sliding out your underwear and down the back of your thighs.

Or you can buy a new backside. One option is gluteal (aka butt) implants made of soft-solid silicone that are surgically inserted into the buttocks. Same concept as breast augmentation, except you sit on these implants.

But the surgical approach that’s currently all the rage is called the Brazilian butt lift. The doctor liposuctions fat tissue from other parts of your body—like the menopot belly—and injects it into the buttocks to enhance their size and shape (talk about killing two birds with one stone, plus it’s still your tissue, just relocated). Costs for the procedure range from—you ready?—$7,000 to $15,000.

For those who prefer to take their rear ends off at night, there are products called “enhanced panties”—like a padded bra for your butt. Two companies, Booty Pop and Feel Foxy, have gotten a lot of press lately and both reported significant sales increases in the past year. Evidently, big butts are big business.

And then there’s always option #4: I could just not give a rat’s ass – and accept my body just the way it is. And stay away from three-way mirrors.

What about you? Has your derriere drooped as you’ve gotten older? Do you care?

 

 

 

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