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picky in love, picky in relationshipA few years ago, a 30-year-old woman came to see me for coaching. “I’ve been on 200 dates. My family tells me I’m too picky in dating. I want to get married, but I can’t seem to find the right guy. Do you think I’m being too picky?”

And get this—she was about to board a bus and travel four hours to meet a man in Baltimore for a third date, a guy with whom she felt very little connection and zero attraction!

“Why are you getting on that bus?” I said. “You’re not interested in this man. He bores you. You’re not attracted to him. Why waste your precious time and money on a guy with no potential?”

“I’m not sure what to do,” she said. “That’s why I’m here to see you. I want to make sure I’m not being too picky.”

“I honestly don’t think you’re picky enough. Let’s discuss how to know if you’re too picky or not picky enough in dating,” I said. “And why don’t you go ahead and cancel that trip to Baltimore?” 

4 Signs You’re Not Picky Enough  

  1. You’re dating every person who contacts you online
  2. You’re dating every person you’re set up with before vetting them
  3. You’re dating every person who is attractive to you
  4. You go on second and third dates with people who don’t have any of your must-haves

4 Signs You’re Too Picky

  1. You only date people who are your ‘type’
  2. You’re looking for instant chemistry and won’t date someone a second time if you don’t feel immediate attraction
  3. You only date people with advanced degrees
  4. You only date people who earn seven figures

Look beyond the externals and your ‘type’ (how’s that working for you?), and focus on the heart and soul of a potential partner.

Appreciate your date for who he or she has become, for the inner work they’ve done to improve their lives. Don’t judge them based on who they were in their last relationship.

Be picky about finding a partner who makes you feel safe, cherished, heard, and seen. Not someone who makes you feel nervous, insecure, and ignored.

A partner with a steel core of integrity is more important than one with a Ph.D. or a million dollars salary.

Be picky about what lies beneath the surface. Find out why your date chose their profession and what they love about the work they do.

Discover what they’re passionate about and what makes them come alive. What type of music and art moves them, and which of their travels made a lasting impression.

Get picky about shared values by discovering a person’s ‘whys’. For example, ask your date about their favorite trip and why they loved it. “I loved traveling to Spain, because the colors are so vibrant, the art is magnificent, and the food is so tasty.” Doesn’t that tell you so much more than, “I love to travel”, which is what most people would say on a first date?

Discover if you are compatible physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and you’ll spend less time with the wrong people. Get picky about the right stuff, and you’ll be on the path to meeting your best match.

What questions do you get picky about asking on a date to discover if you’re a good match? Please share in the comments below.

This post was originally published on goodmenproject.com.

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Dating At Midlife: Are You Too Picky…Or Not Picky Enough? was last modified: by