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Depressed and CleaningSeriously, y’all, this is a “ground floor” situation. You are not going to want to miss this opportunity.

I thought of a product line tonight which I think could be huge.

Here’s the demographic:

Imagine you been living through a particularly long, gut wrenching bout of depression. By particularly long, I mean for the most part of a year.

Then, as it often happens with depression, the veil starts to lift. Anxiety is resting and then you find yourself free.

You feel light.

You feel a buzz in your brain that doesn’t burn and sting and itch. The feeling in your brain is soft and fluffy like clouds or a hedgehog in a coffee mug.

Life holds promise again.

Then you look around your house. For all that is holy, what a f&*king mess.

We need a line of cleaning products for the recently depressed.

We can call the line Untarnished Woe.

This is going to have to be some industrial strength shit, you guys. I’m thinking we need to find out what cleaning products are preferred by 4 out of 5 prison janitors and then just slap some sappy labels on them.

For instance, you need to clean that shower stall that isn’t completely disgusting. At least you think it’s not too far gone, and then you pick up the empty shampoo bottles that have been shoved in the corner for a while.

Fine, since early summer. Maybe earlier. I don’t know. I was depressed. 

What is the best cleaner to get those corners clean? Is there something specifically formulated to get rid of that “science fair goo” brown stain that was hiding under the shampoo bottles? Seriously, I’m kind of afraid that if I add the wrong combination of chemicals that I will unleash an ancient shower stall demon in blob form. Then, the demon rolls through Ohio, consuming all in it’s path while smelling vaguely of citrus and sandalwood. I mean, I would be afraid about that if my shower were that disgusting. Which it totally is not.

I’m seeing a lavender colored spray bottle with a bit of twine tied around the neck. There is a meadow scene below the Untarnished Woe logo and the product is called Crux Be Gone. That’s going to have to be some serious shit. We should probably have a warning label about proper ventilation and possibly the wisdom in wearing safety goggles.

The air freshener will smell of roses and puppy breath. It will remind you of safe places and times when you actually felt carefree. This should be used sparingly because a little puppy breath goes a long way. We will call the air freshener Purging Sorrow. The picture should probably be a waterfall with really dark blue water. Like that weird blue toilet water at your great aunt’s house.

The floor cleaner is going to have to really pull it’s weight. I am quite old, so this might not have been the preferred method of puke removal when you were in school, but when I was in school, whenever a kid puked, the janitor would cover it in this weird day-glo orange kitty litter looking shit. I’m thinking we need something like that for our floor cleaner because damn. Fresh Scent Scourge? That name works, doesn’t it?

Remember the Tidy Bowl man, the guy who floats around your toilet in a little boat? I think we need actual little tiny humans in boats to clean the toilets. You know, not a dapper looking dude like the Tidy Bowl man, but some hard ass looking biker dudes with scrub brushes and abrasive cleaners in their holsters. Their boat will be a teeny tiny little barge.

The toilet bowl thing might be difficult. In fact, just strike the tiny little biker dudes with scrub brushes. That’s just silly. I mean, you can’t just store tiny people under your bathroom sink.

Instead, we can wrap up individual sticks of dynamite in sparkly pink paper and call them “Down in the Dumps” toilet blasts. I am confident that will forever solve the toilet ring issue for that particular toilet.

So, what do you think? Who is with me? I came up with the idea, so y’all can do the rest. Just send me a check when it starts making money.

Also, what is the best cleaner for shower stalls?

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