Colonoscopy Serenade

colonoscopy serenadeRetired cantor Janice Woltag Cohen just turned 50. We Boomers all know what that means. It’s Colonoscopy Time!

Colonoscopy! That fabulous 50th birthday present you give to yourself. Yes, it’s yucky. But it’s absolutely necessary. (It could save your life.)
As kids growing up in the 50s, we joined the Micky Mouse Club. Now that we’ve hit the half-century mark, it’s time for the Colonoscopy Club.
Looking at a day filled with poop-inducing “cocktails,” lots of clear fluids, maybe a little jello, and a million trips to the bathroom, Cohen decided to have a little fun. She needed some distraction. Not to mention something that would get her in the right mood for that very special procedure.
So she logged onto Facebook and posted a question:  “What songs should I put on my colonoscopy mix tape?”
Cohen has 1,412 Facebook friends. Most of them are Boomers. And, apparently, all of them are smart-asses. They were on it in a flash (or should we say, “flush?”)
The first suggestion?
“’Ring of Fire’ by Johnny Cash. Duh.”
Following which, her pals quickly came up with:
“The Long and Winding Road.”
“Baby Got Back.”
“Looking Out My Back Door.”
“Back In the Saddle Again.”
“Fixing a Hole.” (The Beatles)
“My Humps.”
“Hilarious!!” Cohen responded.  But her Facebook friends were just warming up. If Cohen needed some tunes to help her through this Boomer rite of “passage,” then that’s what she’d get. How about:
“Like a Virgin.”
“Little Brown Jug.”
“Brown Sugar.”
“Turn, Turn, Turn.”
“Bad Moon Rising.”
“Coal Miner’s Daughter.”
“Dirty Work” (Steely Dan)
Then they really started to get into it:
“’Tush’ by ZZ Top!”
“How about my fave Springsteen tune — ‘Thunder Road?’”
“James Taylor’s ‘There’s Something In The Way She Moves.’”
“John Cougar Mellencamp’s ‘Hurts So Good.’”
“Paul McCartney’s ‘Let Em In.’”
“’The End’ by the Doors.
“Anything by the Butt Hole Surfers!”
“Anything by Hole!”
Even a classical music fan got into the act, with: “’Beethoven’s Last Movement!’”
One friend posted: “Another man might suggest ‘Don’t Touch Me There’ by the Tubes. But I have too much class to even suggest that.”
Several folks suggested the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers classic “Cheek to Cheek.” One even linked to the video.
Another linked to a music video called “Colonoscopy: It’s Not That Bad” from the Stop Colon Cancer website.
(The song is a hoot. Listen and laugh.)
And the titles continued:
“I Wanna Be Sedated.”
“That Ain’t No Way to Go”
“Black Muddy River.”
“Highway to Hell.”
“Friends in Low Places.”
“Foggy Bottom Breakdown.”
The final suggestion?  “’Classical Gas’ by Mason Williams.”
Janice ended up receiving 125 comments in just two hours. (One pal pointed out that playing through all the songs would last much longer than the procedure itself, which usually runs around 30 minutes.)
Janice, laughing, posted: “Thanks for making Baby’s First Colonoscopy fun!“
With any luck, she’ll drift off under anesthesia with “Moon River” echoing in her ears, and emerge, after a quick and painless procedure, with a clean bill of health.
Happy 50th birthday, Janice. And welcome to the Colonoscopy Club!
This essay first appeared on www.womensvoicesforchange.org
You can find Roz Warren here and find her on Facebook
Roz Warren

Roz Warren

Roz Warren (www.rosalindwarren.com) writes for the New York Times, the Huffington Post, The Funny Times, Womens Voices for Change (www.womensvoicesforchange.org), the Christian Science Monitor and for countless other venues from Girlfriendz to Good Housekeeping. She recently appeared on the "Today Show." She's also the editor of 20 humor collections, including Men are from Detroit: Women are From Paris and Women's Glib. Connect with Roz on Facebook at www.facebook.com/writerrozwarren. 

  1 comment for “Colonoscopy Serenade

  1. Suzie
    November 11, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Funny!

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