How To Introduce Your Man To Sex Toys

women and orgasm, introducing sex toys, sexually frustrated womanSeveral years ago, one of my regular readers, a middle-aged man, commented on an article about vibrators saying he would be insulted if his wife bought a sex toy. He felt it would a way of saying he wasn’t doing his job well. What I heard was concern about his ability to satisfy his wife sexually.

Are men threatened by a woman’s use of vibrators and other sex toys?

The answer would be yes and no—it depends on the man and it depends on your current sex life. The introduction of a sex toy can be a wonderful supplement to sexual activity for both partners. And, it can bring about some anxiety in men if they have concerns about their performance or their ability to help a woman achieve an orgasm.

Men feel responsibility for a woman’s sexual satisfaction. We have this notion that men know where our ‘sweet spot’ is and will magically bring us to orgasm. When a woman can’t orgasm and he’s tried his best to make that happen he might feel as if he’s failed at his job.

As equal partners in the relationship women have a responsibility to educate and assist when it comes to lovemaking. There are several ways to do that—communicating our desires is one way. Introducing sexy toys to supplement or enhance the play is another way.

Most men are happy to have a partner who wants to bring excitement and a little variety to the bedroom. I know women who receive sex toys from their husbands or boyfriends. Some couples go shopping for toys together. And, some women have sex toys that they hide from their partner—preferring to pleasure themselves in secret.

If you want to introduce sex toys to your love making here are a few suggestions on how to approach the subject:

  • Sweetie, know how it’s almost impossible for me to have an orgasm during intercourse? I saw this ad for the cutest little toy and I thought we could try it out. It might give me some extra stimulation. What do you think?
  • (As part of a longer conversation about lagging libidos) Let’s look at some sex toys. I found a cute internet shop with lots of fascinating toys. It might be fun for us to try something new.
  • I’m ready for some hot new fun in the bedroom. Why don’t you pick out something you think we could both enjoy. Surprise me!
  • I feel like menopause has changed the way my body responds sexually. I want to try a vibrator and see if it will help me orgasm. What do you think?

There isn’t one right way to introduce the topic to your partner, particularly if you’ve been in the relationship or marriage for a long time. Talking about sex toys as a pleasurable addition, not a remedy, is the best way to make sure your guy doesn’t feel threatened. The goal is to increase the excitement and pleasure for both of you.

You can read more about vibrators and other sex toys here:

A Vibrator Primer

It’s National Masturbation Month

A New Site For Sexual Health and Wellness

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  15 comments for “How To Introduce Your Man To Sex Toys

  1. Sienna Jay Fein
    September 26, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Walker, this is such an intelligent approach to the problem of insecurities men feel around “doing their job” well, which is at the core of so many relationship difficulties. Men have trouble accepting any comment on their performance that can be construed as criticism, and they either ignore these comments (“I’m doing okay – she’s just been reading too much feminist stuff”) or they get into a huff (“What, she’s Scarlette Johansson?”). You’ve got the secret – making them think it’s their idea – LOL.

  2. September 26, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Thanks Sienna. I had a guy tell me he’d feel insulted (and inadequate) if his wife suggested using sex toys. I think he was missing the point. What added excitement toys offer for both partners! It’s not necessarily about a man’s performance at all. I think it’s about taking care of our own needs AND introducing a pleasurable variety to our sex lives.

    Men can’t be expected to automatically know how to bring us to orgasm and if we don’t assist, in whatever fashion, we set them, and ourselves, up for failure.

  3. Deb
    September 26, 2013 at 9:01 am

    My man introduced ME to sex toys. How cool is that? He bought me my very first rabbit!

  4. Helene Cohen Bludman
    September 26, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    I love your sensible approach, as always!

    • September 26, 2013 at 12:59 pm

      Thank you Helene. I try! It seems to me that offering bits of dialogue can help women who haven’t figured out to convey their message!

  5. September 26, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    My best lovers have been the ones who brought me sex toys. The worst? The ones afraid of/jealous of the ones I already had.

    You would think, the way most guys are about tools, this would be an easy sell. (Hey, now THERE’s an approach…)

    • September 26, 2013 at 10:18 pm

      Ha! That’s pretty funny–will have to remember that. I understand what you’re saying-a man or woman who is receptive to changes and committed to pleasing his partner in the bedroom is a ‘keeper’. Love the way you’ve put this. Thank you.

  6. Jillian Bice
    October 23, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Love the way you’ve apporached this sensitive topic, Walker. It can be a tricky conversation, but one that can lead to so much joy and fun! And you’ve given such great suggestions on broaching the conversation. Here’s to variety, having fun, and feeling really good!

    • October 24, 2013 at 7:12 am

      Thanks Jillian. If women are uncomfortable with the topic then it’s hard to have the conversation…so I thought actually cues might help.
      I totally agree to the ‘here’s to variety and having fun’!!!

  7. February 20, 2014 at 7:10 am

    My man introduce me with sex toys by a beautiful packed gift.How cool was that.It was a rabbit vibrator.

    • March 4, 2014 at 1:35 pm

      That’s great. I love it when a guy gives us toys!

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