Several years ago, one of my regular readers, a middle-aged man, commented on an article about vibrators saying he would be insulted if his wife bought a sex toy. He felt it would a way of saying he wasn’t doing his job well. What I heard was concern about his ability to satisfy his wife sexually.
Are men threatened by a woman’s use of vibrators and other sex toys?
The answer would be yes and no—it depends on the man and it depends on your current sex life. The introduction of a sex toy can be a wonderful supplement to sexual activity for both partners. And, it can bring about some anxiety in men if they have concerns about their performance or their ability to help a woman achieve an orgasm.
Men feel responsibility for a woman’s sexual satisfaction. We have this notion that men know where our ‘sweet spot’ is and will magically bring us to orgasm. When a woman can’t orgasm and he’s tried his best to make that happen he might feel as if he’s failed at his job.
As equal partners in the relationship women have a responsibility to educate and assist when it comes to lovemaking. There are several ways to do that—communicating our desires is one way. Introducing sexy toys to supplement or enhance the play is another way.
Most men are happy to have a partner who wants to bring excitement and a little variety to the bedroom. I know women who receive sex toys from their husbands or boyfriends. Some couples go shopping for toys together. And, some women have sex toys that they hide from their partner—preferring to pleasure themselves in secret.
If you want to introduce sex toys to your love making here are a few suggestions on how to approach the subject:
- Sweetie, know how it’s almost impossible for me to have an orgasm during intercourse? I saw this ad for the cutest little toy and I thought we could try it out. It might give me some extra stimulation. What do you think?
- (As part of a longer conversation about lagging libidos) Let’s look at some sex toys. I found a cute internet shop with lots of fascinating toys. It might be fun for us to try something new.
- I’m ready for some hot new fun in the bedroom. Why don’t you pick out something you think we could both enjoy. Surprise me!
- I feel like menopause has changed the way my body responds sexually. I want to try a vibrator and see if it will help me orgasm. What do you think?
There isn’t one right way to introduce the topic to your partner, particularly if you’ve been in the relationship or marriage for a long time. Talking about sex toys as a pleasurable addition, not a remedy, is the best way to make sure your guy doesn’t feel threatened. The goal is to increase the excitement and pleasure for both of you.
You can read more about vibrators and other sex toys here: