I am frequently asked, “Is it really possible to find love again after divorce or loss of a spouse?” Whether you’re looking for love again or have never been in love, how can you possibly find love in midlife? Finding that elusive thing we call love can be difficult at any age. But it doesn’t have to be. Here are some tips to make it easier and more successful, no matter your age or relationship history.
5 Tips for Dating Success
1. Change your mentality about trading up. When I was a single twenty-something living in Manhattan’s Upper West Side, eligible men and women were everywhere; at work, at synagogue, at my friend’s parties. And yet, finding love was not so easy. I felt that men were always looking to trade up. Don’t like brunettes? Never fear, there is a blonde nearby. Too tall? Too short? Too thin? Wrong color eyes? Trade up. Today, with the number of singles on online dating sites, it’s easy to think that the “perfect” mate is out there, the one who is a buff 6′ hunk, still has all his hair and teeth, and is emotionally available – with an edge. When scrolling through profile after profile, it’s easy to overlook a potential match lost in the sea of bad profiles. My advice? If you find Mr. Mostly Right, stick with him and see what develops. I’m sure you know by now that there is no perfect. Look for a guy with great character, someone you can have fun with, and develop that relationship.
2. Don’t talk too much. First dates can make people anxious. And when you’re anxious, you can make the mistake of talking too much and sharing too much personal information too soon. Instead, focus on your date. Ask a lot of fun questions and remember to smile. People love attention. If you’re a great listener, he’ll think that he had an amazing conversation with you. Really!
3. Choose an unconventional location for your first date. The best first dates are ones in which being together feels natural. Coffee dates can feel awkward. Two people sitting across a table sipping caffeinated drinks. How romantic! My favorite first dates have been in museums or a park. You’re side-by-side, which is less confrontational, and there is something to talk about other than each other. You can even buy ice cream cones at the beach, or sit down at the museum café after viewing the exhibits. Much more fun than Starbucks, right? So, if your guy asks you out for coffee, you can suggest coffee AND a cool location.
4. Don’t expect guys to pay for expensive dates. Whether through set-ups or online dating, first dates are about seeing if there’s a physical connection and a desire to go on a second date. With less money spent, there are fewer expectations on both parts. Have you ever dated a guy who treated you to an expensive steak dinner on a first date? Did you feel obligated to make out when he swooped in for the goodnight kiss – even though you weren’t feeling it? Dating isn’t about the venue or the expense as much as about the two of you getting to know each other. See tip #3.
5. Relax and enjoy the dating process. Dating is a journey. It can be lots of fun if your focus is on getting dressed up, feeling sexy and desirable, having adult conversation, and meeting many interesting people. Don’t make it an all or nothing prospect, because if he’s not the “one,” you’ll be disappointed on almost every date. You’ll soon become disheartened and feel that dating is all about failure. This leads to many women (and men) who stop dating altogether. It’s just too depressing when they view dating as failure after failure.
I see dating as fabulous journey. Enjoy meeting lots of new guys. Each date is your teacher. You’ll learn from each man you meet, and you’ll eventually refine your search as you get to know what you want and don’t want in a relationship.
Dating is also a numbers game. You need to kiss a lot of toads, as the saying goes, and I think it’s essentially the truth. Except for one thing ~ most guys are not really toads. They are just not the right fit for you – yet. Keep on dating and you’ll eventually meet the right guy.
In the meantime, have fun. And please share what’s made dating easier and more successful for you. Or you can share a struggle you’ve been having with dating in midlife. I want to hear from you.
Here’s to finding love!
For more dating advice and a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)” please click here.
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