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mom jeans fat ass fashion for fiftiesI suffer from “DunLap” disease.

Our southern word for ,“Your stomach dun lap over yer waistline.”  It’s one of the special contributions your body gives you at midlife. I’ve always said that if I ever get flat abs again, I’ll get my belly button pierced.

Um, not going to happen.

I don’t think even surgery can fix my “situation.”

The makers of jeans today are selling products with spandex across the belly and calling them tummy tuck, slenderizing, so skinny jeans, not your daughters and so on.  And I have invested many a meager paycheck in their empty promises.

Slimming? Yes, for about an hour. Then as the day wears on, they end up halfway down your ass and baggy at the knees.

So if you have anywhere important to go, go there first. At the two-hour mark the bells start to chime and they turn back into pumpkins.

The first time I wore a pair, I started thinking, by 2 o’clock in the afternoon, “Wow, I must have lost weight! These things are too big, they are sliding down my rear end–Woot!”

Um, no.

Spandex stretches OUT, not back in. It can only take so much abuse.

I went back to the store (which one? Guess, it rhymes with Cheetos…) and asked the clerk for a refund. She tsk, tsked me and said, “You need to buy a size smaller than you really need because they stretch out.”

Well STOP THE CAR MARTHA! Genius, pure freaking genius! I am a size smaller than I thought! Bring me 20 pairs in ALL THE COLORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now, I’m broke, but I look better in these new inventions (for about an hour) than the boot cut Levis that I have 10 of from my skinnier days. They still fit, but produce a muffin the size of China.

Let’s call them what they are. FAT Jeans. Mom Jeans. We get it. Don’t lie to us. We will still buy them, false promises and all. Just like the copious amounts of skin creams we have.

So if you see me in the local store, with a pair of purple, baggy at the knees, ass-less mom jeans around my hips, say “Hi.”

Not, “Bless her heart, she can’t afford jeans that fit.”

And give me the name of your plastic surgeon. Cuz my money’s now going to that fund.

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