Do These Jeans Make My Ass Look Big?

March 12, 2013

mom jeans fat ass fashion for fiftiesI suffer from “DunLap” disease.

Our southern word for ,“Your stomach dun lap over yer waistline.”  It’s one of the special contributions your body gives you at midlife. I’ve always said that if I ever get flat abs again, I’ll get my belly button pierced.

Um, not going to happen.

I don’t think even surgery can fix my “situation.”

The makers of jeans today are selling products with spandex across the belly and calling them tummy tuck, slenderizing, so skinny jeans, not your daughters and so on.  And I have invested many a meager paycheck in their empty promises.

Slimming? Yes, for about an hour. Then as the day wears on, they end up halfway down your ass and baggy at the knees.

So if you have anywhere important to go, go there first. At the two-hour mark the bells start to chime and they turn back into pumpkins.

The first time I wore a pair, I started thinking, by 2 o’clock in the afternoon, “Wow, I must have lost weight! These things are too big, they are sliding down my rear end–Woot!”

Um, no.

Spandex stretches OUT, not back in. It can only take so much abuse.

I went back to the store (which one? Guess, it rhymes with Cheetos…) and asked the clerk for a refund. She tsk, tsked me and said, “You need to buy a size smaller than you really need because they stretch out.”

Well STOP THE CAR MARTHA! Genius, pure freaking genius! I am a size smaller than I thought! Bring me 20 pairs in ALL THE COLORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now, I’m broke, but I look better in these new inventions (for about an hour) than the boot cut Levis that I have 10 of from my skinnier days. They still fit, but produce a muffin the size of China.

Let’s call them what they are. FAT Jeans. Mom Jeans. We get it. Don’t lie to us. We will still buy them, false promises and all. Just like the copious amounts of skin creams we have.

So if you see me in the local store, with a pair of purple, baggy at the knees, ass-less mom jeans around my hips, say “Hi.”

Not, “Bless her heart, she can’t afford jeans that fit.”

And give me the name of your plastic surgeon. Cuz my money’s now going to that fund.

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10 Responses to Do These Jeans Make My Ass Look Big?

  1. Cathy Chester on March 12, 2013 at 10:22 am

    I also have a few pair of the jeans that rhyme with Cheeto’s. I admit I like them best of all the jeans I have tried (except for a pair I got on QVC which have now been discontinued. Figures.) You are right; they told me to go down one size (a shock of self-esteem rising) and you are right; they do stretch out. Ah, to be muffin-free again. Dream on. Great post!

    • Mary Anne on March 12, 2013 at 3:43 pm

      Yep-I even wash them to shrink and they still enlarge…

  2. Donna Highfill on March 12, 2013 at 10:56 am

    You are so funny – and it is all so true. I still have some jeans from my non-mom days that I keep around for memory’s sake . . . . but now I am unapologetically reaching for the stretchy stuff. Now I know why my mom wore Polyester with the elastic waist. Soon, I might have to get extenders for my pants like they use with seatbelts in airplanes . . . :)

    Thanks for making me laugh today. It’s gloomy, and I needed it!

  3. Mary Anne on March 12, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    Any thing to make the Dame laugh! I aim to please…

  4. Debbie Doglady on March 12, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    LOL Whatever they’re called, I love them! Please tell me, because I don’t know; what store rhymes with “Cheetos”? Is it an American only one? I live in Canada. Funny post – thanks! :-D

    • Mary Anne on March 13, 2013 at 12:30 pm

      It’s a store here – I would think they were up there in CA – chicos…shhhh dont tell anybody….

      • Debbie Doglady on March 14, 2013 at 11:13 am

        I won’t tell ;-) Not known in Canada, but, I took a look at the website. Lots of cropped pants. :-p

  5. Chloe Jeffreys on March 12, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    Jeans shopping is only a mild step up from the very center of Dante’s inferno: bathing suit shopping. They can put a man on the moon but they can’t make a pair of jeans that holds my tummy in, doesn’t sag in the seat after an hour, and isn’t either too low that shows my butt crack or too high that everyone around me whispers, “Mom jeans.”

  6. grownandflown on March 12, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    I am totally cracking up, while wearing a pair of not-very-good-looking-or-fitting black jeans. “Mom Jeans” is just such a cruel label but so, so true.Way to go, Mary Anne (Mary Dell – fellow double name-er)

  7. Mary Anne on March 13, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    What’s even scarier is that the teens are all big about the latest trend – ‘vintage’ short shorts that are high waisted….UGH

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