Is a Sexless Marriage Reason To Divorce?

February 12, 2013
By

sexless marriageMy friend Bethany kept falling in lust with men at her office, which would’ve been fine except that she was in a seventeen-year marriage with two teenaged daughters. She was never physically unfaithful to her husband Doug, but the cost in integrity was devastating.

Finally the inevitable happened. She fell in love with one of her co-workers. Again, there was no physical infidelity, but hearts were involved. She decided she’d rather end her marriage than have an affair.

This is one of the things I love about Bethany, no equivocation, but in this instance I thought she was being rash.  Couldn’t she tell Doug what was happening?  That the survival of their marriage was at DefCon 5?  I was shocked to discover she’d been honest with Doug and he’d remained passive.

When Bethany divorced Doug you’d have thought she was divorcing me. We’ve known each other since our Study of Women and Men In Society class in Bovard Auditorium at USC circa 1986 and bonded over our shared experience of being children of divorce.  How could she consider leaving a marriage to, as she fully admitted, a funny, kind, committed man?

“Doug and I don’t have sex,” she said.

“What does that mean you and Doug don’t have sex?  You mean, like, you have it once a month or so?”

“I mean, like, we haven’t had sex in two years.”

“Holy shit!  I had no idea!”

“It’s not really something people advertise.  And the last time we did it we had to get drunk and watch porn.”

“But why?” I asked, “Why don’t you have sex?”

“Because I’ve become his mother.  We have an Oedipal relationship.  Just minus the sex.”

Bethany explained that over the years she’d taken up more and more real estate in the marriage or Doug simply did less and less so she had to.  She managed their family schedule, she had the bigger job, she planned all their vacations, she made all major decisions about their finances and their children.

“Is this because you’re controlling and bossy?” I asked.  She is controlling and bossy and I can say that because so am I.

“Maybe,” she said.  ”But, I don’t always want to be the boss, sometimes I really want him to take over.”

There certainly was one place where Doug was the boss and that was in the bedroom.  He could control Bethany by withholding.  My assessment, not hers.

When you’re a married person, other people’s divorces – from marriages that seemed solid and strong – can be threatening.  If it happened to them it could happen to you.  I have a propensity to be the boss in my home and Bethany’s story was a wake-up call that always getting my way in my marriage could end up being a pyrrhic victory.  Fortunately, my husband Henry is willing to tell me when I need to “crawl out of his ass.”

Over time I came to understand that in divorcing Doug, Bethany did something incredibly brave.  She took all the hits for breaking up her family, from her parents, her siblings, her children and her friends, myself included, in order to seek a fuller, more integrated life.

In the midst of the divorce, when Bethany had lost twenty pounds and couldn’t sleep and doubted herself, she clung to one simple truth, “I can’t live the rest of my life without passion.”

A passionless life.  Not just sexless, but passionless.  We all need to have a passion.  Whether it’s passion for our partner or spouse, our work, our children, our hobbies.  The lack of sex in Bethany’s marriage had eroded the passion of her spirit.  She was living a rote, predictable, stagnant life.

It took time for me to see her situation objectively — divorce is always a personal trigger for me — and to realize I didn’t have the moral right to sentence her to a passionless life.

That was two years ago.  I look at Bethany’s life today.  It’s not perfect.  The man she fell in love with is no longer in her life and she’s not in a hurry to meet someone new.  She wants to better understand herself and not bring her daughters into a situation that won’t last.  She and Doug are incredibly amiable and excellent parents to their now almost grown daughters.

Funnily enough, Bethany’s life is sexless again, but this time it’s by choice.  Which leaves room for passion and possibility.

 

 

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73 Responses to Is a Sexless Marriage Reason To Divorce?

  1. Diane Lutz on February 12, 2013 at 7:03 am

    I love that you said, ” I didn’t have the moral right to sentence her to a passionless life.” I am separated and it’s funny how many people, even those who have divorced themselves, tell me I should try harder to make it work.

  2. Janie Emaus on February 12, 2013 at 10:23 am

    I applaud your friend for doing the right thing. We have to be happy with ourselves and our lives. If not, everyone suffers.

  3. Linda on February 12, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    A very insightful article. There all sides to this issue, for myself I do live in a sexless marriage. My dear husband has had 3 strokes and the plumbing just does not work, yet he is willing to please me in other ways. I have had to learn it’s not just the sex it’s the passion and growing love that truly counts for us. Is it easy, hell no but I think it is worth it.

    • dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:31 pm

      i have seen a couple of divorces happen due to sexless marriage…my friend is going through one right now…..its awful and no man or woman should suffer with out a healthy sexual life…
      its the truth!

      • SexlessSam on February 20, 2014 at 12:27 pm

        What about sexually lonely men like me who are unable to have sex with a partner? My wife stopped having sex with me years ago. I remain faithful and don’t want to get a divorce and breakup the family. We get along fine despite there being no sex. So my only sexual outlet is masturbation and porn.

        I’ll tell you one thing. If I gave up the porn and masturbation the chances of me cheating on my wife out of sexual desperation are about 100%

        So in a way porn keeps my family together and keeps me from straying from my marriage. I don’t like the situation but my family is more important to me than affairs or paid sex.

        • jecedar on February 26, 2014 at 9:49 am

          Wow sexless Sam, you hit it on the head. Your situation is very similar to mine. I have remained faithful through it all, and am thankful for all the women on the internet that are totally opposite of my wife.
          Our marriage and relationship has become brother and sister/ father and daughter. Sucks but you have to keep moving forward.
          Funny thing is that in the past the very few times we did have sex, she orgasm’d so hard she almost faints, but that’s it, like a switch is turned off we are done for months.
          I think this is more of a problem for men than women. Before the women start looking for reasons, we did go to a female therapist and she just could not understand the problem and told the wife any woman would love to trade places with her in a second. Oh well….

          • Linda on March 11, 2014 at 7:41 pm

            Jedecar, unfortunately there are many women that suffer in silence like myself. Understanding the hurt that comes with feeling rejected by my spouse is hard. It’s been years and yes it just that, but it means a lot to me. So, yrs women suffer in silence in most cases.

        • Linda on March 11, 2014 at 7:35 pm

          I applaud you. It’s by far the hardest reality I’ve had to face after over 3 years. Men like you are few and your faithfulness to yourself and your family has opened my eyes. Thank you

    • anne on August 7, 2013 at 8:04 am

      I am a more in shape than my husband give him more pleasure than he cares to give me.I do have anemia and sometimes it knocks me down but for the most I am one hell of a woman.I thought yr comment of yr husband is I’ll n still makes it a point to please u is awesome.hell I have to beg ya beg my husband for money for my medicine.and sex what’s sex I have plenty of other offers which thank god because not only is my so-called marriage sexless my husband never tells me I look good .it surprises me when younger go of looking men ask me out after living like this.

    • Walker Thornton on December 3, 2013 at 7:10 am

      Linda, I think it’s wonderful that the 2 of you have found a way to achieve pleasure. We do need to think of alternate ways to please each other when illness enters the picture. You might enjoy my recent article here at BA50- http://betterafter50.com/2013/10/does-chronic-disease-affect-your-sex-life/

  4. Tina on February 12, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    My guess, he is addicted to porn. It is sadly becoming the leading cause for divorce and actually lowers mens libido and self esteem. It is not the porn of the 70′s with coy centerfolds. It is hardcore, often violent and easily found. Women should be outraged that this form of hate crime is allowed to happen in this country.

    • jecedar on February 26, 2014 at 10:36 am

      Tina, you are wrong. Yes there are exceptions,but womens sex drives are miniscule compared to men (testosterone does that). Unless you understand the sex drive of healthy males, men are very visual. There may be some situations where men become addicted but you will find in the majority of cases all of the uninhibited ladies on the internet provide a healthy release outlet for men.
      For all the females out there who do not know this fact, yes fact, men need to get rid of sperm which they produce in unbelievable quantities. Females release an egg a month, men produce milllions of sperm a day. Unless it is released, it needs to be absorbed which has consequences on health over time (auto immune diseases, prostate cancer). So unless wives take care of their husband’s needs, they need to take care of their health.

  5. Nevada Divorce on February 23, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    I’m not sure porn is the problem or even a problem in a lot of marriages. Attraction in of itself needs to exist, blaming it on external sources may not be the best way to go about rekindling a flame. If the attraction is gone, and gone forever, I might very well consider divorce. I mean, really, what’s the point? Just my opinion

  6. KImberly DeOliveira on March 1, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    This really hit home. I have been married 27 years and our sex life has always been healthy strong and satisfying to both of us. We enjoy it for its own sake and is never used for anything other than what it was created for. We are having other issues I did not anticipate and would never believe I would ever consider divorce. It is the passionless life part. That is what has disappeared from him and it is what I cannot live without. The part about being brave enough to take this step when on the outside all seems well was tough to read. I thought I was alone , I don’t know if I am brave enough but turning 50 has made me rethink many things, such as what truly is love and can it erode. What if it was inauthentic, but convenient and culturally acceptable and expected. What is the true love of your life reappears but is married as well. What if you realize you spent your life living someone else’s? A sexless marriage, in my opinion is no marriage at all.
    And no one should live a passionless life.

  7. Datdamwuf on March 3, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Thank you for saying “He could control Bethany by withholding.” That is what my abusive ex did to me for 5 years.

    • anne on August 7, 2013 at 8:10 am

      My husband has the nerve to come to bed named roll over n that’s it.I know there is cruel but when he did that I realized he is a total jerk.at one point I really thought we had something special now I know I WS nothing more than I maid or should I say slave.

  8. unolabrat on March 5, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Extremely well said, as if I was the friend that was written about. How did some one find out about my life with my ex? No sex in a marriage: I was so embarrassed by this and thought this was extremely rare. Sex as a weapon: society portrays this as something women do, not men. It has been 9 years since I took the blame and walked away from that marriage hanging onto the last of my dignity and self respect. Now I am 50, confident, happy and have rediscovered my passion. Life without passion is not living.

  9. Marsha on April 12, 2013 at 1:14 am

    Excellent article and something that resonated with me. Although I’m 33 and my fiancé and I aren’t married yet. Lately, I’ve been seriously considering ending this relationship. I think it’s been well over 5 months since the last time we had sex and it doesn’t seem to bother him in the least. I’m alarmed by this and can’t imagine a life with no passion. I feel like I’d be doing my fiancé and myself a favor by ending this relationship at this point. I can easily be Bethany a few years from now.

    Thank you very much for sharing this story.

    • dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:32 pm

      i am single and 5 months is a long time for a boyfriend and girlfriend not too have sex…
      be careful it could be the beginning of a problem prior too marriage settle it now so you will not wind up in these terrible marriage some of these people are in!

      all the best

    • anne on August 7, 2013 at 8:13 am

      U r smart woman.don’t worry if Mr right is meant to come along he will.goodluck

    • AWS on August 13, 2013 at 7:03 pm

      I am that fiancée who ignored the red flags. Sex went away several months before our wedding. Our first fight about it was when I was 27. Now I’m almost 37, we have, by some miracle and aaaaall of my doing, 2 young sons. Everyone thinks that our marriage is perfect, but I have been sad and lonely for 9 years. There are other frustrating aspects like the fact that I’ve always stayed thin and beautiful for him, I make a 6 figure salary, I’m funny and nice, I’m a great mom and provider. This sparks little affection from him. All conversations and sexual encounters are initiated by me. He’ll ask our children how their day was, but not me. He will not even kiss me first upon leaving each other in the morning or reuniting after work. He doesn’t take me out on dates and if given the option, he’d rather drink until stupefied while watching tv than have sex with his wife. EVERY anniversary, birthday and valentines day since we got married was a sexless night!! That’s typically a “given” for most couples. So, keep in mind that if your fiancé doesn’t want sex now, if you look closely, you’ll see that there are many other passionless aspects of him that will lead to heartbreak in what’s supposed to be all of your life’s happiest milestones. Each of them, as you look back on your life with him will be punctuated and marred by lack of affection, passion and authentic happiness. I’m getting tired of pretending to be happy…and I’m so good at it! Please don’t go through with it. Find someone who can look at you, really look at you with intensity and confidence and marry THAT guy.

    • Kezia on August 16, 2013 at 7:47 pm

      If you are struggling with sexual intimacy NOW in your relationship, do not get married. It will NOT change. While walking away now may be painful, it will not be as painful as a divorce and even worse, divorce with a child. Cut your losses now and run the other way.

    • CJ on November 4, 2013 at 3:03 pm

      Trust me…don’t get married you will regret it. I knew before I got married that my husband didn’t care for sex. But, I (along with my husband) convinced myself I could deal with it. It’s only sex…right. Wrong. 2 1/2 yrs later I’m realizing I can’t. It effects my self esteem and I’m becoming resentful. I feel stupid for complaining about sex when my husband is perfect with everything else. We are that perfect couple. You can’t tell anyone why you are unhappy. Not a good place to be.

  10. charles on April 13, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Yes indeed. To be brave enough to speak of divorce. Especially after 20 years of marriage.

    My attempts at getting sex usually meant begging and trying to explain how horny I am. The response would be:

    ” wait.. I have to remove my make up”

    or if in a better mood:

    ” Later.. I promise ok??”

    By then it would have been too late, tired and I would have dozed off. The offence would be my own doing..

    ” I told you ‘later’ but you had fallen asleep”

    I have given up, and have not have sex with my wife for the last 10 months. Masturbation and prostitutes are the alternatives.
    Not bad actually.

    A divorce is better.

    Thanks for having me.

    • dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:35 pm

      hi there…

      try not too go the prostitute route….find a woman/lover that will treat you well and give you the sex that you need….she has too be sexual as you are and if you like being masterbated by y our girlfriend/wife tell her so she knows what you want/need. the worst is suffering in a sexless union…please find a nice woman first. avoid prostitutes and dating services for now.

  11. nevergetsnone on April 23, 2013 at 4:00 am

    There are such things as sexless marriages. Experts say married couples having sex less than once a month could be considered in a sexless marriage. I am in a sexless marrage, as we usually go a full year without sex, and while difficult we somehow make it work. My spouse has absolutely no interests in sex, which is a complete 360 turn around from when we were dating. Not sure what exactly happened, however, I do know birth control has zapped much of her desire. If you are in a sexless marriage there are no pseudo quick fixes, it is what it is, its best to learn to accept it, or else drive yourself crazy and or file for divorce. I know I am not the only one a sexless marriage affects men and women equally. There are many men who deny their wife as well.
    I have been through the so called expert” tips and nothing works. Just learn to live with the situation and accept them as they are, you will find it’s the only way to deal with the problem and retain your sanity.

    • dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:40 pm

      Sex once a month?….I find that almost abusive–why? there has too be serious issues going on that is preventing sex. is there a lot of betrayal, does she treat you badly, verbal abuse, why is this happening—many couples go without sex and the refuser is the one who is the controller all the time….go figure that one out…they are nasty, rude, don’t want too be touched yet the do not want too give sex too their partner..

      my advice give a bit of time if there is no sex you need too take a stand and make a decision if your going too make it or not.. you should never suffer without sex. masturbation is fine but should not be the only source of orgasm. i hate too say this if she’s not giving up the goods then you need too find wonderful lover who will help you sexually! good luck!

  12. Lonelynights on April 25, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    I to have this problem and have been too embarased to discuss even with my best friend. I got married very young at 18. Of course then came children and being a stay at home wife, I was always busy with family, entertaining trying to make a perfect little home. Right from the sart even though my husband is older than me he prefered that I look after everthing in our household. Bills, kid problems, where and if we took vacations, all the planning and even how we saved money. He hates any confrontation even in the form of just dicussing and I can’t remember him ever making a desision on his own. About 15 years ago sex started to gradually disapear from our marrige until now we sleep in separate bedrooms and have had no intimacy for 8 years. We have now been married for 35 years and I keep myself busy and have a very fulfilling job, but the nights and weekends are so lonely unless we have our kids or grandkids around. I am still in my 50′s and crave intimacy and even conversation. I have thought of divorcing but am afraid it would devistate our family. I wish that I had the guts to just do it and maybe be able to have some passion and love before it is too late for me I to have always lways had to be everyones mother even my husbund, just once I would like someone to look after me.

    • dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:44 pm

      separate rooms…no good already a problem. i saw my man every 1-2 nights we had sex, fun, cooked naked, had sex while he was watching the ball game–we had so much fun.

      if your married and sleeping in another room it should be happening you should not be falling for any manipulation either….a lot of sexless marriage have 1 who is the manipulator of the 2.

      do NOT and i repeat do NOT fall into the trap of manipulation….i would talk too her but if you get sucked into that cruel box…you need too find another person…do NOT suffer from lack of sex and do NOT let anyone control you about the subject!

  13. Amy on May 26, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    I want to say my husband is not into porn or other women. He has no computer, tv, radio, or phones. This was the first things I checked for.
    We have been married 45 years and only had sex, intimacy or any loving once and that was on our wedding night. But I should have known something was a miss, our love making maybe lasted 1/2 hour. He told me later he hated sex and intimacy, that was meaningless, pointless, messy, smelly, not worth the effort. He had no real interest in me after the ‘I DO’s’ were done. He moved all his stuff to the basement and suggested that I never bother him again. And then he volunteered to work the midnight shift, never ever to sleep with me again. After all these years I don’t care any more, my life was wasted because of a selfish man who only thought of himself. I created my own life without men, I hate and distrust them all. I’m in my 60s now and my life has been difficult and maybe my life will end soon.

  14. Marie on June 10, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    I also live in a sexless marriage but because I chose this and now I am considering whether I should get a divorce. I have been married for 18 years and never really liked sex with my husband. About 10 years ago, I completely lost my sexual desire and told my husband that I am “sexless” person and I wanted to be a in sexless marriage. He accepted this because he loved me so much, even though I know that he is a sexual person and I think he enjoyed sex with me. About 6 months ago I found myself attracted to another man and had an affair. I found that I really do like sex and I have desire, but not for my husband. The affair is over, but I am thinking I need to leave my marriage. My husband and I are really good friends and companions and get along really well, but we don’t have intimacy and this has eroded our emotional connection, so much so that I ended up having an affair. I also feel like I should be fair to my husband and release him if I am not going to have a real marriage. But this feels like the “wrong” reason for a divorce. Any ideas on what I should do?

    • dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:47 pm

      i cannot tell you too divorce or not…but i know for me i could not do it…i was able too remain celibate after my relationship because i wanted too and went back too my music and drums.

      now i want too be back in a sexual relationship with someone i am crazy about. it could be a casual relationship and i do have a gent that’s some more but right now i feel i need too ease back into the sexual world again and enjoy it again before becoming a full time girlfriend again

      emotional connection is everything!!! if you do not have it with your partner and fight and say awful things too each other you may have too find another lover…..

    • mark on February 19, 2014 at 5:22 pm

      You are the problem not him, be fair? You’ve already been about as unfair as you can be..you eroded the emotional connection you pretty much eroded everything by being selfish in the first instance and by being deceitful and selfish in the second instance….you want advice?
      Find a desert island there will be plenty of time for you to do what you obviously do best…focus on youself.

  15. maureen on June 18, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    I was married at 19, he was 20, it is now 35 years later. I have always had a strong sex drive, he has not. I was the one to initiate at least 95% of the time. About 18 years ago, he said no he didn’t want sex,. no matter what I did. that was it, I told him that I would never ask him for sex again, it would be up to him to initiate. His idea of sex is dry kiss, no foreplay, missionary position, he is finished in 4 minutes. I have wasted my life being with him, I am like many of these letters, I am afraid to hurt my kids, family, grandchildren, I have been mom and housewife. that’s it. So I live in this house with this man. I really want to go to New York and just sit and watch niagra falls. It sounds silly, but I really want that. Passionless living feels like death, maybe watching the falls would help me feel something.

    • snowbird on June 18, 2013 at 7:19 pm

      You are not alone.

    • dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:49 pm

      If you are fighting too much he may have lost interest in sexual activity. discussions have too be made and take it from there…but it does not look good at the moment…

      good luck and hope it works out!

    • Bill Gaines on August 12, 2013 at 4:30 pm

      I’m always amazed when I hear there are women in sexless marriages, but I guess it must be so, as I’ve seen so many of these letters. Good luck to you.
      I went the first 7 years of marriage with zero sex other than a little fondling. My wife wasn’t ready for kids and was against any birth control. Was okay with receiving oral but wouldn’t reciprocate. When she got pregnant I thought things would change, at least for the first 10 to 20 weeks of the pregnancy, but she was worried about having a miscarriage caused by sex, so that was the end of that.
      Now been married 30 years and haven’t had sex in over 6 months. She’s a good mother and a good person, but the desire for sex has had too much control in my life and I wish it could end.

      I have pretty much given up hope, but it was good to have this forum to comment, even if no one ever reads this. Good luck to all.

      “Come, my friends, tis not too late, to seek a newer world.”

      • David on October 3, 2013 at 12:10 am

        Hi, I did read this, and you have no idea how I can empathize with you, having been sex-starved for a long time until divorce.

        Enduring what you endure requires a great strength. Keeping on focusing on the positive aspects of your wife. Not letting frustration completely take over your mood. This is really really hard.

        You have my sympathy.

  16. Silently Screaming on July 2, 2013 at 12:17 am

    I have been married for 23 years. We have a sexless marriage. it’s the lack of intimacy and connection that screams silently in your ears and wears you down.The feelings of being rejected. And when I asked for a divorce, he said he didn’t want that! He didn’t know there was a problem. I said, when we legally separated (my initiative) a few years ago, you knew it was the number one problem. We got back together because I felt guilty for his well-being, and he promised to get help. Well, I have waited a few more years, and things in the bedroom have not improved. So, back, to the divorce, I asked if he had similar problems in his first 10 yr marriage, and he says,” Yes, I went to the doctor and he said for me to go to see a sex therapist, and I didn’t go.” I lost my cool, and said- so for years you have been letting me beat myself up about this, and it is your issue? He replied, “I forgot!”. I said really. How could you forget something that is threatening to destroy your second marriage? I said you are really only concerned about yourself- is that real love??

    • dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:52 pm

      funny i have been to Italy 23 times—

      seriously though–the passion seems too be gone and the relationship is barely hanging from a thread.

      the second marriage is not working..i know marriages that have sex 4-5 times a week and are married 20 years….there is a problem and you may have too say goodbye for good

  17. Pathetic on July 7, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    I have been married for 20 years. We have not had sex for over two years. My husband was never hungry for sex, but when we had sex it was always very satisfying. Once we started having kids our sex life decreased dramatically. The first long spell was when my second child was born, we went 8 months…I would openly discuss the “lack of sex” with my husband; there were even times I asked him if he was gay. It always bothered me, but now I just don’t know what to do.. A little over two years ago, I discussed my concerns with my husband. At the time we had not been intimate for TWO years…I told him that we were only roommates and this is not what I signed up for. I told him that I was at my sexual peak and wanted sex all the time and couldn’t go on like this anymore. Even told him I would do anything he wanted but because I basically do everything for our household and make all the decisions, which is exhausting; I wanted him to take initiative in the bedroom. I had him go to the dr. and all looked fine, I had him take vitamins to help boost his labido. He was really devastated, but things improved for about 6 months. I wanted him to take charge of this but after a few months he gradually started back to his same habits. We tell each other we love the other all the time and kiss hello and goodbye, but that is it. He never comments on how I look and never touches me. We sleep in the same bed night after night, but it has been over two years and nothing; I have not brought the subject up again. I am bitter, I already had the talk and it was heart-wrenching, How can we ever heal this marriage when he just isn’t into sex? A friend I confided in, suggested seeing a therapist…problem is we have very hight co-payments and I am just tired, feel it is useless and feel really pathetic; Icertainly don’t want pity sex.. I do know he truly loves and cares about me, he is an amazing and envolved father and just a really nice guy. I do love and care for him, but this is just not a marriage. What do I do? I don’t want to hurt him or my kids. If I end the marriage it will change things for my children and future grandchildren.

    • sexyless on July 8, 2013 at 7:16 pm

      I am recently divorced from my husband of 23 years. Although , he is a kind and generous man, the lack of consistency in the bedroom wore down my self esteem, and caused me to be angry and lash out at him for the most minute of things. No matter what the discussions we had, and the times he promised to improve, I believe his selfishness got the better of him, and he lived in denial that I would actually leave him. I told him for years, that I would divorce when my youngest graduates from high school. He is now weeping and crying over the divorce and yes he is very depressed. If you feel guilty and sorry for your spouse this is normal…but remember the agony they caused you all those years? the nights you turned away in your pillow to dry silently with your heart completely torn and broken? Did they care then? No. Especially of you are a woman,,,they actually believed your yearning for intimacy was insignificant ,,after all you are not the prostitute they really want to give passion to , in real life or in their fantasies. He or she will get over it ,,but guess what ,,it wont cause them the years of depression and in my case a health condition because of the stress caused by utter stupidity about how I felt. After all the meals, clean clothes, beautiful children who were above and beyond cared for, all the planned trips, and a faithful wife, this spouse should have been kissing my ,,,,feet ! I feel so sorry for him,,,but he didnt care .. until now. its too late ..all desire for companionship other than friendship is gone,,I cant even kiss him. But,,he will always be my best friend , and a great father to my kids, He just refused to get help for his inability to make a connection with a woman as an adult man. Please dont waste time, if your family loves you, they will eventually understand, get a good financial divorce lawyer to help you plan, dont feel obligated to share too much information with your family if you dont want to. And , if you want to stay ,,go to counseling ,,please do it for yourself if he refuses to go. I should have done this a long time ago,,,I wasted my youth and energy, but I lived in fear and that is my fault. I just say , we lost our connection for years and have been good friends for the kids sake. I wish you the best,,life is short, how do you want to remember it ten years from now?

  18. dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    how does one stay without sex…the only reason you should not be having sex is because you have decided too take a break…..otherwise i use too have sex every other day and will get that back soon.

  19. dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    i need sex…the only way you should be sexless is if you have taken a break from it.
    In my last relationship a few years ago it was every other day…unless we were working a lot…

    if it is not working then you need to moveone

  20. dianna M. on July 25, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    I hit the send button too quickly….it is imperative that one has a sexual relationship….you have too get along as a couple or the sex will never work—if i had a refuser for a man i would have too go at some point..

    cannot fight him either no way…it affects the sex and if affects the communication…all kinds of issues begin…its just awful…find a a good guy or girl and have fun and have hot passionate sex. with him or her … good luck!

  21. Paula on October 2, 2013 at 11:30 am

    WOW! I found this way after the last comment was made. I’m in my 40s and am in the process of ending a 16 year marriage. I went through some health issues that destroyed my libido but BEGGED my husband to pay attention to me and help me be there for him. I felt it was my duty as his wife to keep him sexually satisfied, but he never engaged in paying attention (telling me I look pretty, hugging me, rubbing my back). I found out the porn he professed to have given up remained a problem, he had gone looking for sex elsewhere (but claims he never acted on it, aside from one night of “inappropriate behavior”with a bimbo in a bar. Like a DOPE, I wanted to keep working on the marriage — I was willing to forgive him for the sake of our children and family and HE chose to walk away from 20+ years of togetherness and 16 years married life. It’s going to destroy us financially and my kids are already suffering. It’s not easy, but I am coming to the realization that he did me a favor by quitting the relationship — there was no engagement on his part unless it was demanding new (uncomfortable) sexual encounters with me and no respect for me. I have to believe I deserve better, even if it means being alone for the rest of my life. Not to mention, I have a son and I want HIM to grow up knowing how to treat a woman; seeing his father NOT hugging me, talking to me, kissing, holding hands…? That’s NOT the message I want my son to have about love and physical connection. For those of you staying “for the family” remember you deserve peace, respect and love even if it’s hard!

  22. David on October 2, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    Withholding sex is truly a horrible thing to do to a partner when it is meant to stay in control of the relationship. My wife did this for years, except she is the one that asked a divorce because in the end she had no desire for me. So after she killed my masculinity she blamed me for not being a man, which explained her lack of desire according to her.
    In our therapists’ own words, I did everything I could, but my wife was unable to acknowledge it.
    And the issue is that sexual frustration can really have devastating effects on a man’s mood and willingness. I was still far from being a monster (after all I was the one taking care of almost everything at home, because you understand, she had a lot of work. So did I, but nevermind), but I was definitely more angry and impatient because of it. This said, she thought I was using sexual frustration as an excuse for my mood.

    I now know it will take her a good deal of extra maturity to realize it some day, when it will be way too late.

    For a man this is a very, very horrible way to get dumped that tears confidence apart. I have a really hard time now to imagine that a woman could ever desire me, despite the fact that my female friends tell me that the woman who will have me will be a very lucky one. This is probably one of the deepest narcissistic wounds than can be inflicted, together with being cheated on.

    My only consolation is that I did all I could, and I always remained faithful despite being sexually starved to an extent hard to imagine.

  23. Museforaday on October 7, 2013 at 5:54 am

    I have been married 23 years. For the last 6 years our marriage has been sexless. If I touch him in any way he says I am pawing at him. I have sleep apnea and he has said he didn’t want to make love to a machine. He’s said many other cruel things too.
    We started marriage counseling but he quit after 8 sessions. He doesn’t even try. I’m tired of rolling over and crying myself to sleep every night. I’ve cried, screamed, begged, everything. 2 weeks ago I tried to initiate sex and again he refused. I told him that night I would never ask him again. So far, I ‘s haven’t. I always told him when I stopped talking he should worry. When he asks me what’s wrong I tell him he already knows. My desire for him is gone. My heart and soul ache, but I know it’s time to walk away.

  24. rose on October 8, 2013 at 5:54 am

    I have been sack in my working place for the pass 1years plus now and I have been trying everything within my power to go back to my work again but it didn’t work for me until I met a man called Dr, aduga the spell caster on the internet who help me to cast a spell and after 3weeksletter I was called at my working place which has never happen for the pass 1year plus now and I was surprise that the director said that I should come and resume office again and they will pay me my 1year plus salary I was so excited and am really appreciate what DR aduga the powerful spell caster has done for me and if you have any problem quickly run to him and your problem will be solved contact his email on dr adugasolutiontemple@hotmail.com

  25. Mike on October 28, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    I have been married to my wife for 8.5 years, of which the past 2.5 years have been without sex. I have not cheated on her, but I cannot go on any longer. We have no children together, live a normal life, and she is happy to remain this way. I have talked to her, and she has assured me of change, but it never comes. Within the next week, I am filing for divorce. I read this article, and it fits me to a T. I don’t care if I ever have sex again, but I won’t live without passion any longer. I’m feeling those guilty feelings of calling it quits, but I will just keep telling myself “I can’t live the rest of my life without passion.”

  26. Jussayin' on November 1, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    My wife is like the woman in the story. She insisted on doing everything after we were married- the money, decisions about what to buy for the house, what car we drive, where the kids went to school. If I disagreed then she would lose her temper and we would have a screaming match. After a few of those I simply said “screw it” and began to live my own life. Men don’t like bossy controlling women and the last thing they want is to have sex with them. Equal partners yes OK but not someone who says it’s her way or the highway. After a couple of years I tuned out just like the husband in the story. We haven’t had sex now for almost 17 years.

  27. Frank on November 5, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    My wife and I have been intimate on no more than three occasions in the last 3 years, since the birth of our second and last child. I want sex, and crave it, but have decided to treat it like smoking and live my life without it.

    Its not like I don’t help with the child care, and its not like I am a bum (we both work). My wife would stay on the couch and play on the internet or read when I went to bed. I’d tell her that I am going to bed, drop hints, etc. When I would make an advance, it would be kindly rejected (have to get up in the morning, etc). I would rather live without sex entirely than only have it once a year. Now I just sleep in front of the TV. I know that were it not for the children I would have probably left several years ago. I love my wife, and she is dear to me, but I too feel that sex is equal to passion and if she can’t be passionate about me then whats the point? If she were passionate about something else (say art or music) and that got in the way of our intimacy, or if she had an affair with someone else, at least I would know that she ws still capable of it. Now I am biding my time until the kids are out of school. I know longr care if I have sex again, I just want to feel like the person I am with is my “soul-mate”. I don’t want to die like this. I’d rather die alone doing something I like.

  28. Amy on November 11, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    I messed up my life by not divorcing my husband. Now I’ve been married 45+ years and only had sex, intimacy, loving once and that was on our wedding night. Back in the 60s divorce and sexless marriage was not talked about. My parents would not support me, I was told to make your marriage work. First when first married we had really no money, and that was ok, I should have left right then and there. Having no money would have been at the right time, that way no one would be hurt. But I thought I could fix everything, (not) it never ever happened. We still haven’t alot of money but there is to much invested in my life. I couldn’t leave because I would be homeless and starving on the street. He always hated me, hated sex life and women . He lived his entire married life in our basement, hasn’t talked or showed any interest toward me.

  29. no name on November 27, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    I’m a man living a passionless life, but with a child who is my only source of joy. I’m less courageous than Bethany, partly because i feel guilty for that loss of passion and also because i am afraid of hurting my partner and child. Your story resonated with me though, and i liked what you wrote. It shows compassion and understanding.

  30. Sha on December 1, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Been married for 26 years to a lovelly man but 15 years ago he had a small op which left him impotent but as he has never had it investigated I dont know if it is physical or mental for the first four year I tried to turn him on didnt work tried to show him I loved him but he pushed me back we now sleep in separate rooms and I get a peck on cheek if lucky after being celibate for 10 years I started having flirtations to try and raise my esteem I met a man 2 years ago who I have fallen in love with he says he loves me with a passion he has never known before and the sex is fantastic. He is happy to have whst he can of my time but now I think should I grab the happyness he could give me or stay with the status quo x

  31. Husband on December 2, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    I am part of this sexless marriage group. Me and my wife have been married for 7 years been together for 17, and we have 1 daughter who is 1. Throughout the marriage, we would have sex less than 10 times a year, After i finally broke down and told her that i am not happy with the way things are and that i have fallen out of love with her. I also don’t feel emotionally connected with her, not to mention that i started having an emotional affair with someone. I did not realize that i was doing this until i spoke with my counselor. I did not know Emotional affairs even existed. I thought it was just physical.

    Things have become harder. We have started counseling and she admitted to being sexually molested as a child multiple times, including from her father. She said she was not being intimate because she would not feel comfortable and go in the bathroom and cry. I never knew this was going on, and she never told me.

    I now want to leave, but now its like i have to stay because i would be considered a jerk for leaving during her crisis, or not being understanding. But that does not excuse the emotional pain that i felt and am still feeling. Granted i do not blame her for what has happened but now i feel like im stuck and i am wrong for feeling this way.

    My counselor said that this can be rebuilt and repaired, but i got to the point where i did not want to do it anymore and i planned for a divorce. Now im just confused. I am interested in someone else, I have found someone that i like but now i have ended that because of this situation. I know you should not start speaking with someone else until your are clear, but as i said before, it was hard because when you are not getting your needs meet for so long, for me it was emotional needs, its hard to not. I have never cheated and i dont believe in it.

    I have done everything i can for her, House, Cars, children, no dept, Try to make her feel good. and i always felt not appreciated, and for most men, being intimate with your wife is important, for me i wanted to feel appreciated and wanted. Even if sex wasn’t there ( because i can get a release by taking care of myself) i wanted to feel connected and currently i do not. I also admitted to her that i had a emotional affair and i have decided to try and give it another shot, but i do not know if im doing it because i feel obligated to or because i want to.
    She obviously wants to work on it but i am just in a very neutral spot right now and dont know if im doing the right thing for myself and for everyone else involved. I love her but it hurts me that i am giving up the Other person that i really care for, if i do not want to stay.

    Im confused. any advice?

    • Sistah43 on March 2, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      There is a good Experience Project support group about this situation. You are at a point where you might want to leave, I recommend you go there and post your question. There is a ‘board culture’ where they encourage people who have struggled with this issue to look at their 3 choices: 1). Stay and suffer 2) Cheat 3) Leave. I chose to stay (year 28 years for me), but I still suffer. Menopause has helped. Life’s circumstances and how I survive my family’s problems (he’s my emotional rock) make me willing to trade ‘no sex for great emotional/spiritual support’.

      Mine is a conscious, imperfect choice. And it’s one I can live with.

      One thing I would do is listen to my counselor if I trust him/her. Presumably they have all the facts (and mostly from your perspective) and if they are telling you to try and work it out, they may be looking out for your emotional development.

  32. Beth Zimmerman on December 30, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Ouch! That could kinda sorta be about me right down to the need for control and the name Bethany! Except it’s more complicated because prostate cancer left him more unable than unwilling. I’m committed to staying but when I think about “forever” with no physical affection it just makes me sad!

  33. Cindy on January 22, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    I REALLY needed to read this tonight. I’ve told my husband that I am leaving after 13 years of marriage. Even though I love him so much I also cannot imagine the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. He is obese and refuses to do anything about his weight which I am sure is contributing to his non-existent sex drive. But it’s not just him. It’s also me. I’ve regrettably become the naggy, bitchy mom and even though I try not to be I feel like it too late to do anything about. In the last 10 years of marriage I think we’ve had sex about 10 times – like once a year. As far as I can remember it’s mostly been partial, halfassed and boring. I am sad about the situation. I was one of those who never thought they would get divorced and here I find myself looking for ‘is a sexless marriage a reason for divorce’ blogs.

  34. Elena on January 30, 2014 at 1:44 am

    I have only been married for less than 2 yrs and within 3 months of marriage my husband lost his job, became depressed and went on antidepressants, which didn’t help his mood much but killed our sex life. After trying several different medications, all of which left him with serious side effects (mostly sexual) he finally stopped the antidepressants. His equipment is once again in working order, but he doesn’t seem to have any desire to use it. When we were first dating he told me he was so glad I liked sex and he was convinced we were very sexually compatible. I am now learning that he had sexual issues in his previous 2 marriages. I’m guessing the problems were more his than his ex’s. He is a wonderful, kind, loving man and I love him very much, but I can’t see myself living in a sexless marriage indefinitely. We’re both in our late 50′s, but very youthful and attractive. Maybe he thinks we’re too old to have sex, but I’m certainly not. If I beg him for sex he’ll probably comply, but what woman wants to do that? I don’t want a divorce, so I’m thinking of just having an affair with a man who’s told me he’s strongly attracted to me. I’m wondering if I should tell my husband that I’m considering this. I don’t want to deceive him and he may not even care.

  35. Lisa Stevenson Brown on February 14, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    I have been married for 10 years. I met him on an internet dating site. He has a brain injury from a car accident that happened 12 years ago. Just recently he has developed Delusional Disorder, where he accuses me of having mutiple affairs with several men. I’ve never commited audultry. Not once. The doctor said he has dementia and that the confabulations are normal. He is only 38 years old. He has accused me of this in front of our 2 boys, called me insulting names and has told me infront of them, that he hates me and the only reason hes here is because of our boys. The truth is, they even want him to leave because they can’t stand the arguing. This has affected them emotionally, and I have to think of them. I have asked him to go back to Idaho with his family. He dont want to leave his children. He refuses sex with me because he thinks I’ve had affairs..this is totally aggravating, but because the trust is gone, the love is gone, the compassion is gone, and the sex is gone, he has to go..He told me he iw willing to forget about it and pretend like it never happened, but how can you forget something that never happened in te first place. He has it in his heart and mind that this happened, and it never did. He accuses me not just everyday, but every hour of the day. He talks about nothing else..I dont even know mutiple men. He said he no longer want to have sex with me because I’,m too loose down there..I take great offense to that…I told him he has got to leave..This marriage is over..

  36. SexlessSam on February 25, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    What about sexually lonely men like me who are unable to have sex with a partner? My wife stopped having sex with me years ago. I remain faithful and don’t want to get a divorce and breakup my family. We get along fine despite there being no sex. So my only sexual outlet is masturbation and porn.

    I’ll tell you one thing. If I gave up the porn and masturbation the chances of me cheating on my wife out of sexual desperation are about 100%

    So in a way porn keeps my family together and keeps me from straying from my marriage. I don’t like the situation but my family is more important to me than affairs or paid sex.

  37. Help! on February 27, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I love my husband. But the lack of sex is driving me crazy. Last year we had sex probably 5 times. We haven’t even been married two years. I can deal with him not helping around our home (it bothers me) but i can deal with that – if he actually showed some passion or excitement for me. I am turning into an angry person, a sad person. This is not who i am. I really do love him, I want things to work. Ive tried to talk about this with him and he completely ignores the situation, or says we will have sex – then we never do.I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. I work out, eat right, have a good job, dress well. None of it matters. We have no kids. Im afraid to. Have kids because i hear your sex life really takes a hit when you do and we barely have a sex life as it is. Im such a passionate person, it kills me to think ill never experience a passionate kiss or romantic night again in my life. Im 25. Im to.young for this. Ive considered divorce, but im afraid of hurting my husband. Any advice??

    • Pam on March 3, 2014 at 1:14 pm

      Leave. Your resentment will only grow and will poison your marriage. Being sexually compatible is very important for a successful relationship. Its not the end all or be all, but it’s part of a solid foundation.

      Go. You will be doing both yourself and your husband a favor.

      • Help! on April 17, 2014 at 11:14 am

        Thank you for the advice. I’m practically crawling out of my skin. We are approaching 4 months no sex. I’m ready to throw in the towel. I just can’t believe my marriage will most likely end due to lack of sex. Not something a 25 year old thinks will be the issue. There are other problems but this is by far the worst. Again, I love my husband but I cannot live this way. I’m jealous of friends with great marriages and sex lives. I don’t want to live this way. I’m losing attraction and desire for my husband because I’ve been turned down so many times. He doesn’t want to try counseling. He thinks that’s stupid. I can’t help someone who won’t admit there is an issue. I don’t want to wake up in a decade feeling how I feel now.

      • Kim on April 22, 2014 at 12:56 am

        Pam is exactly right, the resentment will only grow and it will change you as a person. The longer you wait the more convenient it will feel to just stay and deal with it. You deserve better than that for your life. I was in your position once but convinced myself I could stick it out for love and stability. Now I’m 30 and haven’t had sex in 6 years. I spent my entire 20′s feeling neglected and angry and I’ll never get that time back. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about my marriage because I feel so deeply entrenched–and we don’t even have kids! I’ve tried so, so many things and I think this might be the year I finally give up. So my advice is to leave and save yourself as much pain as possible. I’ve spent a lot of sad nights reading sexless marriage forums and I haven’t read any success stories.

  38. De on March 1, 2014 at 11:21 am

    Well I am at wits end. Our marriage has always been one of my wife taking care of the family finances. Now I worked ever since our marriage and always made a lot more then she did. However because of job and career cuts I retired around 60. As far as the sexless part of marriage It shamefully admit that I had to self pleasure. Which in spite of religious ideas and the shameful post pleasure feelings. It did seem to help me deal with that frustration. However now my controlling wife has also retired. So now I get no free time to have relief. She request for us to do and go everywhere together. When I try to tell her No. She pouts. So essentially I am now living in a sexless marriage, with a controlling wife, and no self time. To me self pleasure is more then a quick routine in the shower. She complains that I am irritable and I really it based upon sexual frustration. Bee reading about pills that can decrease my sex drive. I am noticing I am fantasizing more, and afraid that I am going to lose this battle or worse seeing divorce in the future. I am 62 not ready to live like this. Sorry if this got to graphic

  39. remb on March 12, 2014 at 12:14 am

    Not sure what to do with my life. I love my wife and kids very much but am stuck in a love/sex less marriage. I help around the house, make breakfast & pack lunch for kids every day, do all the dishes, make dinner most nights, fix stuff around the house. Pay her compliments every day, every time I see her, but she is afraid of intimacy, she will make every excuse to get away from me. Even being near me for 1 second bothers her to no end. She can’t look into my eyes and talk to me about anything. its not sex i really desire, but a passion, purpose in life.
    Lately she is into fitness, spends all her free time at the gym or on Facebook. she lost tons of weight (went from size 12 to 4) and looks great. But this does not help me one bit as at the most we have sex once or twice a year for the past 15-18 years. I am starting to believe its my fault for asking too much from life. I love my kids so leaving her/the family is not an option, suicide seems like a coward act. So lately I simply wish/dream/hope every night that something very bad like sickness or accident will happen to me some day soon.

  40. Josh on March 22, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Me? I am sorry I ever got married. For men there is little to gain and everything to lose. Women today do little to satisfy their husbands and on a whim run off with everything he all supported by a left wing system.

  41. Allegra on March 30, 2014 at 7:41 am

    I am 45 and have been married to my husband for 20 years. We have no children and have not had any intimacy since 26th May 2010 before that December 2008, before that November 2007, before that March 2006…. 4 years now and I think I have had sex with my husband maybe 4 times in 7 years. Yes I remember all the months and before this when we were first married once a week, once a month then 3 months and so on. An alarm bell rang when we were living together before marriage, if only we had the internet then! My husband us just not interested in me physically, I even asked several times if he was gay…. No he tells me. He just says he cannot be bothered. I am sad, angry, hurt, feel unwanted, lonely. Makes sense why we have never conceived children because we have not had sex despite his low sperm count.
    I am devastated to say the least, I have stayed fit, take care of my appearance but I feel rejected and lonely. Some days I literally just keep active physically so the urge disappears, I can’t cheat, I couldn’t face my husband. I don’t know which way to turn, I am embarrassed and this is not what I signed up for. I don’t know how much longer I can be without any affection or love in my life. The longer it goes on the harder it is to reconnect intimately ever if at all again.
    The reality is I so not know how much longer I can continue to live without sex, love and intimacy in my life.

    • Stella on April 21, 2014 at 2:38 pm

      Dear Allegra, Your situation almost mirrors mine! I am 44, been with my husband 25 years but married for 8 years. Not had sex since November 2009. I recently discovered Jody Day who is the founder of Gateway Women, an organisation that supports, inspires and empowers childless-by-circumstance women in the UK. If you happen to read this post and would like to get in touch, please let me know. It’s really difficult to trust anyone enough to discuss this delicate issue.

  42. Dan on April 1, 2014 at 9:55 am

    Glad to come across columns like this. I am a man that has been married from 28 years in a sexless, loveless marriage. I saw the warning signs before we got married and could see I was in trouble practically from the beginning. After I said “I do” she practically said ” I dont”. When it was really good we had sex maybe once every month or two. I feel like I have never had the priviledge of making love because she made me feel like she was doing me a favor and then would rollover and go to sleep. I could go on and on about this. Just glad to hear I am not crazy and not alone. I felt guilty about all the negative emotions and tried about everything to change the way I feel. I tried to tell myself it was just sex but I couldnt escape all the bad emotions. Somehow it has destroyed me emotionally. I finally was about to explode from keeping everything bottled and spent six months with a counselor. It helped alot just to be able to talk about it. I tried to get the wife to go to counseling several times. She would go a few times and when it got real she would get angry and quit going. Thanks for those who have posted. It really does help. I told myself this is the year that I either have to decide to end it or learn how to live with it.

    • dad with big family on April 1, 2014 at 11:30 pm

      Interesting posts. I’m not much of a blogger, but here’s my two cents. Where to start? Well, been married 17 years, together 18 or so. I’ve always been a sexual person. And I know that my wife is, also. There were some abuse issues in my teens, which took awhile to heal from, but on the whole, the sexual relationships I had prior to marriage were pretty good. When I met my wife, I was really on a high. I felt strong, really together. But due to a variety of reasons, I fell into a depression not long after my wife-to-be started dating. I think she got spooked and our sex life started to have issues. My plumbing, which had no issues whatsoever, started to have a mind of its own, and I would lose my erection when she would say something critical. In a way, it never really got off the ground very well. Nevertheless, we did love each other and got married. I don’t regret that. Sex was rarely easy, although we did make some progress for a time. Over the course of the following 11 years, we had six children together. No regrets there, folks. I love having a big family. Not for religious reasons, just because I love all of my kids. Sex was easier when we were trying to conceive. In fact, when we were not trying to conceive, sex was infrequent. My wife is, admittedly, a control freak. That was hard because in bed, I like to have some control. Don’t think that people with large families necessarily have a lot of sex…not true. All six of our kids were planned. I know my wife likes sex…but it’s been 3 years since we have been sexual at all. Yes, right after I got my vasectomy, she basically shut down. What a waste of money…the vasectomy I never got to use, at least not yet. With all the kids and life and school, life is stressful, and I know that the craziness makes sexual intimacy hard to come by. We sleep in separate rooms now. Last time we tried to have a discussion about sex, we ended up fighting. She can’t give me an answer. If she were to say “Look, life is crazy now, I love you, I do want to have sex with you but can’t right now” I could accept that. But when I asked her if she wanted to have sex, at least in theory, with ME, she said “I don’t know”. Great. We’ve been through a lot, however. Even though there are issues, she is the mother of my children, and we do love each other a lot. Divorce would be horrible for everyone, and devastate us financially. I can’t do that to the kids, I just can’t. So I take care of my own sexual needs. I feel bad about watching porn alone, but as another poster said, it’s actually saving my marriage — at least for now. It’s a tool to get through these times. I don’t think I could go through with an affair. It just wouldn’t feel right, and I don’t have time anyway. I just hope that some day my wife will be willing to possibly go to counseling with me, or maybe we can just work it out on our own. It’s a cruel twist of nature…in general terms…men need sex to feel connected and women need to feel connected to have sex. So we’re at a stalemate. Once the kids are older and we have more time, we are either going to make an effort to grow back together or maybe go our separate ways. If we do, I hope it will be as friends.

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