I Feel Bad About My Phone

A few years ago, Nora Ephron – of blessed memory – wrote a book called I Feel Bad About My Neck. As I was driving one day, I heard her on NPR reading an excerpt in which she said that her lunch group of “ladies of a certain age” were so fond of mandarin collars that it looked like a meeting of the Joy Luck Club. To which I spit my diet soda all over the dashboard and nearly ran into a ditch.

Now, in addition to sagging skin, hair growing in all new places, insomnia, and the complete disappearance of anything remotely resembling a waist, I also have to worry about my phone looking old.

Never much of a gearhead, recently I decided to drop by the Verizon store to see about a new smartphone. I’d been sporting the same Blackberry for five years, which is evidently something like 130 in phone-years. Mine had been doing what I wanted it to do – email, texting, internet and actual talking – quickly and without a moment’s trouble, using the same battery it came with and nary a cracked screen. As soon as the 12-year-old salesperson took one look at my Elderberry, he said, “At least no one will try to steal it.” My husband probably thinks the same thing about me.

I know the Blackberry is dying; hell, we all are. Why was I even thinking about tossing my clunky, out-of-style sidekick for the thinner, sexier iPhone or Droid companion? It’s not exactly like I’m a slave to fashion in other ways. A little hair highlighting, some extra plucking, and better night cream will do it for this former jock.

Peer pressure, that’s why.

When I go to professional gatherings, I’m intensely aware that I’m one of the oldest people in the room. Jason and Heather are all grown up now and are networking with each other, and it’s clear they think I need to get back in my Buick Regal and get home in time to have dinner before “Jeopardy” comes on. (Dummies. I record “Jeopardy.”)

Besides, what really makes me an old bag is that when I go to lunch or important meetings, I leave the phone in the car. Yes, the Elderberry stays in my horseless carriage so I can actually pay attention to the people and activities in the room. I go in without my most important accessory. It’s sort of like leaving the house without earrings.

What say we start a trend? Let’s stop worrying about our crepey necks or being able to hook up simply by tapping our cute little phones together. Let’s stop standing in line for hours for the privilege of giving Apple hundreds of dollars every time they put out a product with a miniscule difference. Let’s find friends and men and clients who appreciate a little experience and don’t mind the extra mileage. And let’s stop allowing the phonistas to make us feel bad.

Kim Phillips is the founder of Lucid Marketing and artist-in-chief at Hebrica Judaic Art. This post originally appeared on her personal blog. You can connect with Kim on FacebookTwitter and LinkedIn.


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  6 comments for “I Feel Bad About My Phone

  1. November 19, 2012 at 10:58 am

    So funny, Kim. I transitioned to an iphone in August 2011 and I never looked back. But hold on to that Elderberry (I predict this new name will catch on) – it will be worth something someday!

  2. November 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    My friend’s daughter called my BlackBerry a dinosaur. As if I wasn’t feel old enough as it is. I succumbed to peer pressure. I have an iPhone now.

  3. November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Such a funny reflection and so true. I have to admit a total devotion to my iphone so can only encourage you to give it a try!

  4. November 21, 2012 at 3:04 am

    I know exactly how you feel. I don’t have a smart phone, but just one that makes calls, receives text messages and well, that’s about it.

  5. Erica Ferencik
    December 14, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Favorite line: “I know the blackberry is dying; hell, we all are.”
    Great article! Btw, I am so ancient, I don’t even have an elderberry, I’m not sure what it is, but I think it’s a cell phone because I can leave the house with it.

  6. March 22, 2013 at 10:55 am

    So funny – love your name “Elderrberry!” Nothing makes you feel older than not understanding how to even utilize all the features on your phone…except for the times you ask someone younger for help and get an incredulous stare.

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