Stepped-up Step Dad

June 12, 2012
By

Steps go up and steps go down. Some risers are higher than others. So the metaphor for a second marriage mate, a step-dad can go either way. Up or Down. Here’s what we’ve learned over the past three years.

My kids love their step-dad. I honestly think my husband Bill’s success as an amazing step-dad is instructive for all those second marriages – there are some fundamental elements at play here that just seem to work. Of course the kids, the issues, the environment surrounding Bill’s entry into our family are unique – everyone’s got their own “complicated” situation – but I believe there are a few teachable or shareable elements that could help any new family on their way to blending with success.

Widowed vs. divorced: My sons lost their dad to an accident when they were 16 and 18. I met Bill within that first year. The boys were vulnerable and raw – we all were. Step-parenting when there is no “competing” other Dad in the picture is a unique baseline to work from.

Nevertheless, perhaps there could be some elements from our experience that can be helpful to you as you navigate these unchartered waters.

Lesson 1: Patience and Pacing  

Bill took his time to gain the boys trust (and mine).

Parenting solo, I needed a male perspective to raise my boys. Feeling like I’d had a limb removed the challenge of parenting my teens without their father’s input felt incomplete. I’d just started dating Bill and immediately sought his counsel on parenting the boys.  He took a grandparent’s perspective – stepping back a bit by using positive reinforcement, and encouragement. He remained steady, focused, but most of all – he was a great listener. He would counsel only when asked.  His ability to be totally non-judgmental with the boys earned their trust. And, over time, he has been able to set real parental boundaries — most of them around cleaning up their stuff around the house.

Lesson 2: Commitment and Loyalty

Bill always has the boys’ backs. Coaching them on tough challenges like taking a semester off, changing jobs, negotiations on their apartment rentals — he took a front row and center position.

Bill played the “primary” when I was out of town, taking my boys each to the E.R. on separate occasions.  Just recently when my eldest had an emergency appendicitis, Bill sat with him throughout the night, and saw him off to his surgery in the morning until I could get there.

Lesson 3:  Creating New Traditions

Finding a way to connect with the kids is essential to creating comfort and keeps them coming “home.”  Healthy competition keeps everyone charged. Bill has raised the bar on competitive gaming with the kids. Intense Corn Hole face-offs late into the night are a summer tradition (it’s a bean bag toss game and it’s a blast).

Even though the kids are in their 20’s there’s still plenty he can teach them. Activities are bonding and keep them coming back for more “how to tips.” On the list so far: teaching them to captain a boat, rake for clams, dominate a BBQ and get under the hood of the car.

Needless to say, watching sports together and endless texting on scores are constant rituals.

Lesson 4:  Showing-up

When I married Bill, I came with my posse as did he. My sisters, their families and all the issues that life brings. Ditto for his family.

Bill makes it a policy to show up at absolutely everything. In our three short years of marriage he has been at every major holiday, college graduation, birthday celebration and too many funerals.  Not to mention, generously treating my mother and mother-in-law to evenings out.  The most out-of-the-box move was on a birthday trip to Paris (Bill’s birthday), I asked if we could spend two days with my mother-in-law (from marriage #1; she’s like a mom to me) who was traveling there on her own.  He agreed and treated her to some exceptional meals.  No surprise, she’s a Bill fan.

So what’s happening this Father’s Day:

The boys are showing up for a weekend together. They have cleared their crazy schedules to be with Bill.  I never could have imagined my life would turn out this way.  One of my greatest gifts is knowing (without me having to say or do anything) that my sons will both show up with either a special card or gift for their stepped-up dad.

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9 Responses to Stepped-up Step Dad

  1. alison convery on June 12, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Felice, am enjoying your newsletter. Nicely thought out articles, and personal stories. Have sent it on to my girls. Thanks Alison

    • felice on June 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm

      that’s so great – thank you so much for your wonderful comment -see you this week -

  2. Amy on June 12, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    This is so beautiful. One of my favorite posts of yours. You are all very fortunate indeed. Xoxox Amy

  3. Susan Shapiro on June 13, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Felice – When introduced to Bill I accepted him because he made you happy. He opened his heart to my nephews and is always there for them, for which I welcome him as part of the family.

  4. Susan Sirkman on June 14, 2012 at 12:12 am

    My heart is abound with hope for stepped -up dads this fathers day… May they experience the love and care and most of all appreciation that are dear Billy has earned with his boys! Felice your ability to find the perfect way to share challenges we face day to day is a true gift… I look forward to you continueing to enlighten us all!

  5. carolbfinn@gmail.com on June 21, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    Iwrote praises to you and it will not register

  6. Veronique on July 3, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Dear Bill,
    Happy step up fathers day. I am a great fan of yours too too too. Wish there were two of you. Love,Veronique. Felice’s pal xox

  7. joan zauderer on August 6, 2012 at 1:55 am

    Felice,
    i enjoyed reading your story very much. Although I personally don’t know you very well, I do know u are
    definitely unique and multi-talented. I would love to become a member of BA50, but every time I try to sign up
    the sight rejects what i put in for my user name….i don’t care if i am the only one who needs help….i am not
    super talented..but I am persistent! Please let me know
    what I am doing wrong???? Thanks and best of luck to your in your newest venture! joan zauderer, larchmont

  8. [...] who has gracefully stepped into this role with her sons, who lost their own father. Felice gives us lessons learned with the insight that only years of parenting [...]

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